Tag Archives: vampire spoof

Marriage

Sir Thomas More had come to terms with his future. In the morning he would be executed for not acknowledging the legality of Henry VIII’s marriage to Anne Boleyn and the dissolution of his marriage to Catherine of Aragon. For many years he reaped the benefits of being the friend of the King of England, and now faced the consequences of adhering to his principles of faith.
As he prayed to thank God for his blessings of a good wife and a loyal daughter, More heard the clanking of the key in his Tower of London cell. As he turned to see who was visiting him at this late hour, his jaw dropped opened. Before him stood his sovereign lord Henry.
“I am interrupting your prayers,” Henry said. “You must forgive me.”
“You are forgiven.” More tried to hide the irony which flitted across his face.
“Actually, I have spent the day in prayer myself.” He approached More. “Please let me help you to your feet.”
The king gently put his large hands on the prisoner’s elbows, and they settled on the small bed in the corner. At this point Henry embraced his friend and whispered into his ear.
“The Lord has revealed to me the truth. I don’t know why I did not see it myself months ago. We are both sinners, Thomas, and as your king and as the Defender of the Faith, the responsibility lies with me.”
More had never heard Henry speak with such humility before. He tried to calm his heart which was about to explode. Was the king going to release him to return to the life he loved with his wife and daughter? Such were the essence of miracles.
“My Lord, you are not obligated to say one word more,” he whispered. “You are shaming me with your penance.”
Henry stood and walked to the far wall, bowed his head for a moment before turning to face More. Tears stained his cheeks.
“God explained to me why you could not sign the declaration. I cannot hold your feelings against you. Arise. You are a free man.”
Smiling, More stood and went to his friend, extending his hand. Within the hour he would embrace his wife.
“Yes, Thomas, I now realize the real reason you opposed my marriage to Queen Anne. You are jealous. You cannot accept the fact that I do not love you the way you love me.”
More came to an abrupt stop. “What?”
“You must realize I cannot commit another sin against God. I was wrong to marry my dead brother’s wife, and it would be equally wrong to love another man. It is an abomination.”
“What?” More had not slept well while residing in the Tower of London. His appetite had vanished. Surely he had misunderstood what the king said.
“I cannot blame you. Who does not love me?” Henry spread his arms to put his large frame on display. They all lust after me. The king of France. The princes of Germany. Even the bishop of Rome. I have to admit it. Now if you were a woman I could take you as my mistress.”
“What?”
“Don’t worry. No one will ever know. I want to protect you against any acts of jealousy from the lords and earls.” Henry nodded. “Oh yes, they covet me too.”
“What?”
“Oh dear. I have upset you. I suppose you might have preferred going to your death with the impossible dream intact that one day you might worship at this altar.”
“What?”
“You must never touch the royal scepter. You must never hold the crown jewels. You must never experience the divine right of kings.”
“You must be crazy.” More had his own revelation from God.
“Is it madness to save this temple of God only for the queen?”
“What?”
“I cannot stand to see your disappointment.” Henry began to remove his ermine robe. “Quickly take off your clothing. I will mount you tonight, but only once.”
More clenched his thin coat around him. “Oh hell no.”
“Very well. Once a month. But no more than that. I do have my principles.”
“I don’t think you understand. I love my wife very much. She just left here a few hours ago. She was very upset. I had to comfort her, and I’m the one dying in the morning.”
“Hurry. Anne is expecting me back in her bed by midnight.”
“My daughter really has her heart set on receiving my head and carrying it around with her for the rest of her life. She would be extremely disappointment if she didn’t have it in her purse by tomorrow night.”
“But you belong to me.” Henry began to undo his waistcoat.
“Of course, my heart belongs to you. As the hearts of all good Englishmen belong to their king. But my head belongs to my daughter.”
Henry stopped to observe More closely. “I’m beginning to suspect you don’t really want all this.” His hands roamed across his body.
“I think you’ve bedded one too many women who don’t exactly have the cleanest bodies in the kingdom. You got knocked upside the head in one too many jousting matches. You’ve chugalugged one too many bottles of wine.”
“I think you’re the crazy one.” Henry huffed as he quickly retrieved his robe. “Every man, woman and child in England wants me. Everybody knows it.”
“Everybody knows you’re crazy as a loon, but they’re afraid to say it to your face.”
“That is treason! I will have your head for insulting the king!”
“Just make sure my daughter ends up with it by the end of the day. Thank you.”

Jonathan and Mina in Romantic Transylvania Chapter Sixteen

Jonathan paused to collect his thoughts. It was the hardest thing he had ever done in his life. Finally, after delving into the deepest levels of his subconscious, he began to breathe deeply. His shoulders and pelvis danced in a sensual revelry he had only experienced under the influence of the vampire lifestyle. His eyes lit with licentious intent as he slithered over to Mina.
“Oh, Meeena! Wouldn’t you rather kissss me?” He hissed as he rubbed his body up against Mina.
“Mmmm,” she moaned in desire. “Yesss! Oh, yesss!” Mina jumped into his arms and kissed him with verve and a lot of slurping.
“Miss Seward!” Dracula was totally miffed. “Do you mean you choose this lower being over the Prince of Darkness?”
“You betcha! He’s hundreds of years younger than you!” Her head fell back and she licked her lips as Jonathan kissed her neck. “Besides, he has a much better tan than you do!”
Jonathan carried her toward the double doors. “To the game room for more fun on the trapeeze!”
“I’m tired of being Mr. Nice Guy!” Dracula was really pissed off now. “This is my castle!” He raised his arms, spreading out his cape as though it were bat wings. “This is Transylvania!”
Thunder and lightning exploded throughout the neighborhood. The nearby peasants probably covered their heads with blankets and shuddered in their beds. Even Dr. Helsing trembled a bit. Jonathan completely lost his composure and put Mina down.
“Uh oh.” Jonathan barely concealed the whimper in his voice.
The professor found his courage sufficiently to stride to the bottom of the staircase, jutting out his old German chin.
“Your special effects don’t frighten me, Count Dracula! The day of the vampire is coming to an end.”
“Don’t you mean the night of the vampire?” Jonathan was incurably dense.
“Shut up,” Van Helsing retorted before he returned his attention to staring down the imperious vampire.
Slowly Dracula descended the steps. “You a mere mortal who has not lived even one lifetime intend to end my reign of terror which has spanned the centuries?”
“Yes, that was general idea.”
“And how were you planning to accomplish that?” The count sneered. Any semblance to romantic charm disappeared from his extremely pale face.
Van Helsing jabbed the air with his index finger. “With the contents of my trusty valise!”
“Oh.” Dracula continued his descent. “You mean the valise way on the other side of the room?”
After an awkward double take to spot the valise on the floor by the sofa, the doctor muttered, “Um, just a minute.”
He began to run as fast as an old man could under the circumstances. The prince extended his arm, his fingers pointed to execute a most intricate hypnotic spell.
“Stop!”
Oddly enough, Van Helsing obeyed, his face going blank and subservient.
“Look into my eyes!”
His mouth went agape, and his eyes were profoundly empty.
“My will is stronger than yours, Van Helsing! You shall do as I command!”
“Doctor, please!” Jonathan called out. “You can’t do this! Come on, be your old irascible bossy self!”
“Shut up, you twit!” Dracula barked.
“Yes, sir.” Jonathan whined.
“So, the great Dr. Van Helsing is helpless against my superior willpower.” The count was enjoying this moment entirely too much. He pointed again at the professor. “Dance!”
Van Helsing broke into a respectable old soft shoe. Who knew anyone with a stick up his ass could be that nimble? Dracula threw back his head and laughed.
“We’re doomed!” Jonathan could not have been any more forsaken.
“Now that I have thoroughly humiliated you by forcing you to dance, Van Helsing, come here!”
He abruptly stopped, which was unfortunate because he was about to shuffle off to Buffalo. “You didn’t force me to do anything.” Van Helsing smiled triumphantly. “I love to dance. I won the Dusseldorf dance championship three years in a row!” He turned his attention back to the valise by the sofa. “Now please excuse me as I get a stake out of my valise and drive it through your stinking, dried up black heart!”
“Miss Seward!” He snapped his head to the young couple. “Stop him!”
“Yes, master!”
Mina turned to attack Van Helsing but Jonathan grabbed her arm and desperately tried to regain his vampire vim and vigor.
“Mina, no! Don’t you want to go to the game room?” He nodded toward the double doors, winked and emitted a rather pitiable hiss.
“You can’t fool me again.” She sneered as she jerked away. “You’re not one of us.” She ran to the valise, bumping the professor out of the way, and seized it.
“Miss Mina, no!” Even the doctor was aghast by her proficiency in pilfering.
“Mina! Give it to me!” Even Jonathan’s actions showed an urgency heretofore unseen and with a brusqueness exceptional for a British gentleman.
“Van Helsing!” Dracula was not messing around. He felt like a little fang action—right now. “Your time has come to die!”
While Jonathan was successful in wresting the valise from Mina, his aim in throwing it to the doctor left something to be desired.
“Oops.”
It landed right at Dracula’s feet. “What an unfortunate toss, Mr. Harker.”
“I was never very good at school boy games,” he admitted.
“Admit it, Van Helsing, you’re defeated.” Triumph licked every syllable that came from the vampire’s wan lips.
Dr. Van Helsing took a moment to observe his opponent before pulling out his pocket watch, reading the time and looking up in satisfaction.
“If I compute my continental time zones correctly, it’s you, Count Dracula—not I—who is defeated.
This statement caught him off guard. “Time? What has time to do with anything?”
The count lunged for the professor, but Van Helsing dodged the assault to dart up the stairs to the dust-ridden, moth eaten curtain hanging over the vaulted windows.
“Time has everything to do with it. Especially when that time is dawn!” The doctor reached up and yanked on the drapery which collapsed, allowing shafts of light to flood the entry hall.
“Oh guano!” Dracula began convulsions, making awful grating sounds. Finally he dropped to his knees.
“Master!” Mina reached for the melting vampire, but Jonathan swooped her up into his arms.
Quivering in exquisite agony Dracula rolled over onto his back, his eyes bulging and his tongue flickering out in a most unpleasant manner.
“Hurry it up, will you?” The old German had no compassion at all. I’ve had a long night, and I’d like to get some sleep.
The Prince of Darkness emitted his final, nauseating gasp and went limp. Mina, coincidentally at the same moment, was going through similar, though less severe, spasms. When she eventually calmed, Jonathan gently put her down. Mina, returning to her normal ditzy self, looked around in amazement.
“Jonathan! Where are we? What are we doing?”
He looked into her eyes and stroked her cheek softly. “Don’t you remember, dearest? Count Dracula had us under his spell and almost transformed us into vampires.”
“Yes, yes. It’s slowly coming to me.” Mina noticed Count Dracula’s moldering corpse on the cold stone floor. It was dissolving into dust. She walked closer to examine it. “He was right. The sun does absolutely nothing for his complexion.” She looked over at Van Helsing and smiled. “And you saved us.
“To be frankly German, yes.” The professor shrugged.
Mina went to him and gave the old man a hug. “I’ll always be grateful, Dr. Van Helsing. Friend.”
“Yes, thank you, doctor.” Jonathan joined them and shook his hand. “I know Mina and I weren’t always completely helpful during this ordeal.”
The German was on the verge of blushing. “Yes, I know. But I understand.”
The young lovers stared into each other’s faces.
“I’ve never seen you with your hair down before,” Jonathan said softly. “Nor have I seen you in your, well um, undergarments.”
“And I have never seen your bare legs.”
“Might I say you look gorgeous?” He nuzzled her neck.
“Certainly, if I may be so bold as to say your legs are gorgeous.”
Van Helsing cleared his throat. “Yes, yes, well this mutual admiration society is very commendable, but we have two bodies to bury here.” He pointed to Dracula and Susie Belle.
“As horrid as this episode has been,” Jonathan said slowly, “it has brought me to one realization.”
“What is it, dearest?”
“I never want to step foot inside Our Lady of the Perpetual Headache again,” he declared with conviction.
Mina giggled. “Neither do I.”
“Any volunteers for burial duty?” Van Helsing raised his voice in hopes of getting their attention. “Not everyone need speak up at once.”
“In fact,” the young man continued with more assertive lust in his voice, “I don’t think I can wait another day to make you my bride.”
Her eyes lit. “”I’m sure a cleric or magistrate in the village below would be glad to administer the vows.”
“You’re right.” The professor flapped his arms in surrender. “Why not pay a local peasant to do the dirty work? Why should I risk a hernia over the likes of Dracula?”
“Shall we go now?”
“The sooner the better.”
Jonathan lifted Mina in his arms and headed for the front door.
“Stop.” Van Helsing sounded a bit alarmed. “Don’t tell me you’re going down to the village dressed like that?”
“Why not?”
“Dr. Van Helsing,” she replied impishly, “don’t be such a prude.”
They kissed with tongues and then hissed at each other. And out the door Jonathan carried her, anticipating a new life of spontaneity and pleasure. Van Helsing wagged a finger at this, dismissing them as new members of the conflagrate younger generation, and turned for the staircase.
“I don’t care if they make a public spectacle of themselves. I’m going upstairs and get some sleep. There should be a nice soft bed somewhere in this castle, in this God-forsaken, creepy castle.” He paused to consider his situation. Two dead vampires on the floor. Enough dust and cobwebs to choke a man to death. The subtle but breathtaking stench of guano. An nuance of death and foreboding. He scampered back down the stairs and out the door.
“Oh, Mr. Harker! Miss Mina! Wait! You need a best man!”

Jonathan and Mina in Romantic Transylvania

Mina’s slender porcelain hand slithered around the edges of the tapestry, her fingers deliciously touching the ridges and ripples of the embroidery. Eventually her full arm rolled out followed by her lithesome form filmily clad in translucent lingerie. Her bosom rose and fell as her body experienced tactile exhilarations she had denied herself from her earliest moments of awareness. Mina even tasted her own hair as she had just recently liberated the locks from their confines of combs and clips.
Jonathan, sans trousers, his shirt opened to his hairless bellybutton, emerged from the game room, his nostrils flaring from the scent of unrestrained femininity currently oozing from Mina’s pores. He sped to her as she turned sharply to meet him eye to eye, nose to nose, chest to chest.
“Greeetingssss, Meeena,” he hissed. “Ssso good to sssee you again.”
“Sssoo good to sssee you, Jonathan,” she hissed back.
They tried to take a nip out of each other’s supple necks but missed. They circled each other as though they wrestlers.
“You belong to me, Meeena.”
“I want in your blood.”
Running toward each other, they locked in an impassioned embrace. Mina pulled Jonathan’s hair, yanking his head back and causing the veins in his neck to bulge. He yelped in sexually charged aching. She lunged in for another attack to the jugular, but he grabbed her slender shoulders, hurling her to the floor.
“That’s where I want you, at my feet!”
“Burn in hell!”
“I love it when you talk dirty!”
Jonathan fells on top of Mina. They rolled around on the floor, grunting like pigs in heat. Dracula pulled back the tapestry, entered the great hall and immediately fell over the writhing couple which did not distract them at all from their business of making mad passionate love. The count stood, dusted himself off and tried to maintain his Transylvanian dignity as much as possible.
“Beginners!” he muttered. “They’re always so obvious.”
Susie Belle rushed in from the game room. “Sweet lips! Everything is working according to your plan!”
Before Dracula could reply, Jonathan and Mina rolled back his way and knocked him on his ass again. After he stood, he nudged them with the side of his shoe.
“Will you stop that!”
“Leave them alone, honey child,” Susie Belle drawled. “Looks like they’re having fun.”
“They can have all the fun they want,” he huffed. “I just want them to leave me alone!”
Mina snatched Jonathan’s hair again, rising to her knees and lugged him across the room, with him writing and howling the whole way.
“Ooh,” Susie Belle purred, “that looks like fun. We’ll have to try that sometime.”
“No, we won’t!” Dracula snapped.
“Spoilsport!”
Jonathan finally extricated himself from Mina’s domination and stood, his sweating chest heaving with lust.
“You little vixen! How would you like for me to pull you by the hair up those stairs and into the bedroom where I would attack you in wild sexual abandon?”
“I’d like to sssee you try it!” Mina giggled as she dashed up the stairs, stalked by a snarling Jonathan.
Wagging his head in disgust, Dracula waved at Susie Belle. “Come here. We’ve plans to make.”
“Sure enough, count baby.”
Dracula guided Susie Belle to the far side of the sofa as Mina eluded Jonathan on the balcony and ran back down the stairs, with Jonathan not far behind. They continued to cavort throughout the entry hall as the vampires confabbed.
“It is dangerously close to dawn,” Dracula whispered.
Susie Belle sighed. “Thank goodness. I’m dead tired.”
“But if the sunlight forces us into our coffins before we kill Van Helsing, he will surely find our resting places and drive a you-know what into our hearts.
Mina, hurtled herself between Dracula and his remaining wife, teetering dangerously off balance. When Jonathan immediately followed up with the vengeance of a rugby player, both vampires collapsed. Dracula creaked to his feet and extended a hand to Susie Belle to help her stand.
“I’ll be glad when those two calm down,” he groused.
“Give ‘em time, honey. Now back to business. I don’t know why you’re worried. There’s still three of us to one of him.
“Speaking of three, where is Claustrophobia?
“Oh, probably outside taking in the great outdoors,” she replied with great disdain. “The ninny. The great outdoors remind me too much of the cotton fields back home.”
Before Susie Belle could continue her harangue against Claustrophobia, Jonathan and Mina shoved their way between the vampires again.
“This is too much,” Dracula huffed. “Let’s go upstairs so we can continue our discussion in privacy.”
Jonathan finally caught Mina and threw her on the sofa sliding his lean body next to hers. They began kissing. Loudly. Very loudly.
“How vulgar!” the count commented with a harrumph.
Susie Belle stopped abruptly and grabbed Dracula’s arm. “Oh no. What if Van Helsing’s gotten to Claustrophobia?”
“You mean…?”
“Yes.” She pantomimed getting a stake in the heart and added the appropriate gurgling sounds.
Dracula reacted in shock and horror, recovering rapidly since he was, after all, the Prince of Darkness. “Then we must truly be careful.”
“Bite me! Bite me!” Jonathan screamed in more ecstasy than anger, which drew the attention of the resident blood-suckers.
Mina laughed as she sprang from the sofa. “No!” Even novice nosferatu coquettish.
Jonathan bounded from the sofa and began to chase her again. “Then I will bite you!”
Watching the young lovers prance about the room was tiresome, on the verge of irksome.
“Do you think if you bit him a third time, it’d calm him down?”
“I’d love to find out,” Susie Belle purred.
“Good,” the count replied with relief. “First you bite Mr. Harker again, and I’ll bite Miss Seward for the third time. That will then give four of us to overcome Dr. Van Helsing.
Mina ran toward the double doors.” I want to play in the game room! I haven’t gotten to play in the game room and you have!”
“Oh yessss! It’s very excccciting!”
Mina and Jonathan scampered through the double doors, laughing and giggling.
“After them!” Dracula was tired of tolerating amateurs. He spread his cape. Lightning and thunder filled the large drafty hall. Even the children of the night howled in righteous indignation. The count descended the staircase with a vengeance. Susie Belle trailed him, befitting a zealous disciple.
“Sure enough, sugar lump!”
They stopped before entering and stared through the door with surprise.
“My, but they are having fun,” Susie Belle gasped.
“Bringing Miss Seward under my control at this point in time may prove more problematic than I thought.”
Susie Belle’s mouth went agape and she pointed. “Honey, at this point in time. She’s completely out of control. Look at that girl swing!”
“Oh well,” Dracula announced with a sigh. “Here goes nothing.” He straightened his shoulders and marched into his well-equipped game room.