Previously: England awaits the Spanish invasion. Elizabeth orders two of her young heroes to Spain on a mission. Each one has a beautiful but jealous lover.
Several hours later the passenger ship docked in England. As the gangplank lowered, tiny Alice Wrenn edged closer to the brink so when the board finally hit the mooring she was positioned to alight first and run to wave down an open carriage. Again she sat in front while Clarence and Boniface bounced into the back seat still fencing.
The driver turned to wag a finger at them. “No fighting! This is a proper Puritan transportation business!”
Alice threw herself into the driver’s arms and kissed him with shameless vulgarity. When she pulled away, the driver had a silly smile on his face.
“Actually, my wife is the Puritan of our family. She insists I run my business the way her father ran his. Personally, I don’t give a bloody damn.”
Pouting her pretty lips, Alice promised, “If you get us to Hampton Court quickly, I’ll kiss you again.”
The driver cracked his whip, and off they flew, knocking Clarence and Boniface on their asses but just for a moment. As the carriage zoomed out of sight, Maria raced down the plank and tried to whistle for another carriage. However, the only form of conveyance available was a donkey cart. Maria crawled into the seat next to a driver who smelled of his own animals. Rodney and Steppingstone climbed into the back and fenced as they tried to keep their balance in the hay pile.
Meantime, in the Hampton Court throne room, Queen Elizabeth sat in her huge, ornate chair holding her bonky sounding scepter. Robin stood two steps behind the throne in deference to the Queen. A small group of courtiers stood in front of her, shifting their balance from foot to foot in anxiety.
“Gentlemen,” she announced in a grave tone, “we have received no word from our valiant heroes in Spain. Until we hear from them, we can only wait with prudence and eagerness to protect our shores from the impeding Spanish invasion.”
They bowed and backed out of the room.
“Good.” Robin’s eyes twinkled. “We’re alone.”
The Queen extended her arms. “Come to Bessie, baby!”
Robin wriggled onto the throne and hugged Elizabeth with a verve created only by the release of sexual tension. They kissed with appalling slurping and smacking. This display of passion gone awry continued for several minutes until interrupted by the doors being slung open. Alice ran to the throne as Clarence and Boniface continued their fencing–although the elder courtier was showing signs of flagging vitality.
“Your Majesty!” Alice announced as loud as her tiny voice would allow. “We’ve discovered the identity of the traitor!”
“Not now!” She waved her scepter over her head. “Can’t you see I’m busy!” She returned to attacking Robin’s tonsils with her tongue.
Maria ran in and approached the throne with bold determination, announcing in her most patriotic English accent, “Your Highness! We have the traitor!”
“It’s no use,” Alice confided with a sigh. The Virgin Queen is occupied.”
Robin pulled away for an instant. “Hah!”
After bonking him with her scepter, Elizabeth pulled him back into her clutches. “Oh, shut up and kiss me!”
Rodney and Steppingstone arrived in their own good time, still fencing. They started circling around in the throne room, coming close enough to Clarence and Boniface to inflict minor damage. Maria scurried over to Steppingstone to smack his bottom with her strong hands.
“Look, your Majesty!” she repeated, “we have the traitor!”
“I said don’t bother me!”
The daring escapade dissolved into unmanageable madness until Alice screamed and swooned in the middle of the room. As was to be expected, her fit captured everyone’s attention, ending the royal canoodling fest and both fencing matches. Clarence dashed to lift Alice from the cold marble floor.
In his arms, Alice, eyes aflutter, smiled. “Oh, Clarence.”
“Can’t I get any privacy around here?” the Queen harrumphed.
“But, your Highness,” Rodney pleaded, “there’s a traitor here!”
“Traitor!” Robin echoed in shock as he stood, dumping Elizabeth on the floor. He wasted no time in helping her to her feet.
“All right, all right,” the Queen grumbled. I won’t get anything important done until this traitor business is cleared up. Tell us. Who is the traitor?”
“Lord Boniface!” Clarence declared as he placed Alice in an upright position.
“Lord Steppingstone!” Rodney announced in triumph.
Clarence and Rodney looked at each other, their faces twisted with confusion.
Clarence pursed his lips. “Who are you?”
“Rodney Broadshoulders. Who are you?”
“Clarence Flippertigibbit.” He smiled and extended his hand. “So nice to meet you.”
“I’m so glad you didn’t go down with the Aquamarine Pigeon.” Rodney pumped Clarence’s hand.
Steppingstone and Boniface traded perplexed glances.
“You mean you were working for Phillip?” Boniface asked.
“Yes.” Steppingstone added in a childish tone, “I was going to get Wales.”
“But he was going to give me Wales!” Boniface stuck out his lip.
“That’s what you get for not being loyal to Queen Elizabeth!” Robin lectured them.
“Yes, for placing your own greed before the well-being of England, you are hereby doomed to ignominy!” the Queen announced.