Jonathan paused to collect his thoughts. It was the hardest thing he had ever done in his life. Finally, after delving into the deepest levels of his subconscious, he began to breathe deeply. His shoulders and pelvis danced in a sensual revelry he had only experienced under the influence of the vampire lifestyle. His eyes lit with licentious intent as he slithered over to Mina.
“Oh, Meeena! Wouldn’t you rather kissss me?” He hissed as he rubbed his body up against Mina.
“Mmmm,” she moaned in desire. “Yesss! Oh, yesss!” Mina jumped into his arms and kissed him with verve and a lot of slurping.
“Miss Seward!” Dracula was totally miffed. “Do you mean you choose this lower being over the Prince of Darkness?”
“You betcha! He’s hundreds of years younger than you!” Her head fell back and she licked her lips as Jonathan kissed her neck. “Besides, he has a much better tan than you do!”
Jonathan carried her toward the double doors. “To the game room for more fun on the trapeeze!”
“I’m tired of being Mr. Nice Guy!” Dracula was really pissed off now. “This is my castle!” He raised his arms, spreading out his cape as though it were bat wings. “This is Transylvania!”
Thunder and lightning exploded throughout the neighborhood. The nearby peasants probably covered their heads with blankets and shuddered in their beds. Even Dr. Helsing trembled a bit. Jonathan completely lost his composure and put Mina down.
“Uh oh.” Jonathan barely concealed the whimper in his voice.
The professor found his courage sufficiently to stride to the bottom of the staircase, jutting out his old German chin.
“Your special effects don’t frighten me, Count Dracula! The day of the vampire is coming to an end.”
“Don’t you mean the night of the vampire?” Jonathan was incurably dense.
“Shut up,” Van Helsing retorted before he returned his attention to staring down the imperious vampire.
Slowly Dracula descended the steps. “You a mere mortal who has not lived even one lifetime intend to end my reign of terror which has spanned the centuries?”
“Yes, that was general idea.”
“And how were you planning to accomplish that?” The count sneered. Any semblance to romantic charm disappeared from his extremely pale face.
Van Helsing jabbed the air with his index finger. “With the contents of my trusty valise!”
“Oh.” Dracula continued his descent. “You mean the valise way on the other side of the room?”
After an awkward double take to spot the valise on the floor by the sofa, the doctor muttered, “Um, just a minute.”
He began to run as fast as an old man could under the circumstances. The prince extended his arm, his fingers pointed to execute a most intricate hypnotic spell.
“Stop!”
Oddly enough, Van Helsing obeyed, his face going blank and subservient.
“Look into my eyes!”
His mouth went agape, and his eyes were profoundly empty.
“My will is stronger than yours, Van Helsing! You shall do as I command!”
“Doctor, please!” Jonathan called out. “You can’t do this! Come on, be your old irascible bossy self!”
“Shut up, you twit!” Dracula barked.
“Yes, sir.” Jonathan whined.
“So, the great Dr. Van Helsing is helpless against my superior willpower.” The count was enjoying this moment entirely too much. He pointed again at the professor. “Dance!”
Van Helsing broke into a respectable old soft shoe. Who knew anyone with a stick up his ass could be that nimble? Dracula threw back his head and laughed.
“We’re doomed!” Jonathan could not have been any more forsaken.
“Now that I have thoroughly humiliated you by forcing you to dance, Van Helsing, come here!”
He abruptly stopped, which was unfortunate because he was about to shuffle off to Buffalo. “You didn’t force me to do anything.” Van Helsing smiled triumphantly. “I love to dance. I won the Dusseldorf dance championship three years in a row!” He turned his attention back to the valise by the sofa. “Now please excuse me as I get a stake out of my valise and drive it through your stinking, dried up black heart!”
“Miss Seward!” He snapped his head to the young couple. “Stop him!”
“Yes, master!”
Mina turned to attack Van Helsing but Jonathan grabbed her arm and desperately tried to regain his vampire vim and vigor.
“Mina, no! Don’t you want to go to the game room?” He nodded toward the double doors, winked and emitted a rather pitiable hiss.
“You can’t fool me again.” She sneered as she jerked away. “You’re not one of us.” She ran to the valise, bumping the professor out of the way, and seized it.
“Miss Mina, no!” Even the doctor was aghast by her proficiency in pilfering.
“Mina! Give it to me!” Even Jonathan’s actions showed an urgency heretofore unseen and with a brusqueness exceptional for a British gentleman.
“Van Helsing!” Dracula was not messing around. He felt like a little fang action—right now. “Your time has come to die!”
While Jonathan was successful in wresting the valise from Mina, his aim in throwing it to the doctor left something to be desired.
“Oops.”
It landed right at Dracula’s feet. “What an unfortunate toss, Mr. Harker.”
“I was never very good at school boy games,” he admitted.
“Admit it, Van Helsing, you’re defeated.” Triumph licked every syllable that came from the vampire’s wan lips.
Dr. Van Helsing took a moment to observe his opponent before pulling out his pocket watch, reading the time and looking up in satisfaction.
“If I compute my continental time zones correctly, it’s you, Count Dracula—not I—who is defeated.
This statement caught him off guard. “Time? What has time to do with anything?”
The count lunged for the professor, but Van Helsing dodged the assault to dart up the stairs to the dust-ridden, moth eaten curtain hanging over the vaulted windows.
“Time has everything to do with it. Especially when that time is dawn!” The doctor reached up and yanked on the drapery which collapsed, allowing shafts of light to flood the entry hall.
“Oh guano!” Dracula began convulsions, making awful grating sounds. Finally he dropped to his knees.
“Master!” Mina reached for the melting vampire, but Jonathan swooped her up into his arms.
Quivering in exquisite agony Dracula rolled over onto his back, his eyes bulging and his tongue flickering out in a most unpleasant manner.
“Hurry it up, will you?” The old German had no compassion at all. I’ve had a long night, and I’d like to get some sleep.
The Prince of Darkness emitted his final, nauseating gasp and went limp. Mina, coincidentally at the same moment, was going through similar, though less severe, spasms. When she eventually calmed, Jonathan gently put her down. Mina, returning to her normal ditzy self, looked around in amazement.
“Jonathan! Where are we? What are we doing?”
He looked into her eyes and stroked her cheek softly. “Don’t you remember, dearest? Count Dracula had us under his spell and almost transformed us into vampires.”
“Yes, yes. It’s slowly coming to me.” Mina noticed Count Dracula’s moldering corpse on the cold stone floor. It was dissolving into dust. She walked closer to examine it. “He was right. The sun does absolutely nothing for his complexion.” She looked over at Van Helsing and smiled. “And you saved us.
“To be frankly German, yes.” The professor shrugged.
Mina went to him and gave the old man a hug. “I’ll always be grateful, Dr. Van Helsing. Friend.”
“Yes, thank you, doctor.” Jonathan joined them and shook his hand. “I know Mina and I weren’t always completely helpful during this ordeal.”
The German was on the verge of blushing. “Yes, I know. But I understand.”
The young lovers stared into each other’s faces.
“I’ve never seen you with your hair down before,” Jonathan said softly. “Nor have I seen you in your, well um, undergarments.”
“And I have never seen your bare legs.”
“Might I say you look gorgeous?” He nuzzled her neck.
“Certainly, if I may be so bold as to say your legs are gorgeous.”
Van Helsing cleared his throat. “Yes, yes, well this mutual admiration society is very commendable, but we have two bodies to bury here.” He pointed to Dracula and Susie Belle.
“As horrid as this episode has been,” Jonathan said slowly, “it has brought me to one realization.”
“What is it, dearest?”
“I never want to step foot inside Our Lady of the Perpetual Headache again,” he declared with conviction.
Mina giggled. “Neither do I.”
“Any volunteers for burial duty?” Van Helsing raised his voice in hopes of getting their attention. “Not everyone need speak up at once.”
“In fact,” the young man continued with more assertive lust in his voice, “I don’t think I can wait another day to make you my bride.”
Her eyes lit. “”I’m sure a cleric or magistrate in the village below would be glad to administer the vows.”
“You’re right.” The professor flapped his arms in surrender. “Why not pay a local peasant to do the dirty work? Why should I risk a hernia over the likes of Dracula?”
“Shall we go now?”
“The sooner the better.”
Jonathan lifted Mina in his arms and headed for the front door.
“Stop.” Van Helsing sounded a bit alarmed. “Don’t tell me you’re going down to the village dressed like that?”
“Why not?”
“Dr. Van Helsing,” she replied impishly, “don’t be such a prude.”
They kissed with tongues and then hissed at each other. And out the door Jonathan carried her, anticipating a new life of spontaneity and pleasure. Van Helsing wagged a finger at this, dismissing them as new members of the conflagrate younger generation, and turned for the staircase.
“I don’t care if they make a public spectacle of themselves. I’m going upstairs and get some sleep. There should be a nice soft bed somewhere in this castle, in this God-forsaken, creepy castle.” He paused to consider his situation. Two dead vampires on the floor. Enough dust and cobwebs to choke a man to death. The subtle but breathtaking stench of guano. An nuance of death and foreboding. He scampered back down the stairs and out the door.
“Oh, Mr. Harker! Miss Mina! Wait! You need a best man!”