“That and much more. Will you now consider that what I am saying is true?” he asked in earnestness.
“Yes, doctor.” She took on an air of seriousness and deliberation. “I’ll try to view your opinions without prejudice.”
Van Helsing clicked his heels and bowed. “Thank you.” He pulled the crucifix from his inner coat pocket. “Please take this crucifix. I have plenty in my valise. And the next time Count Dracula approaches you, show it to him. If he recoils in horror, it would be sufficient evidence he is a vampire, for vampires are real fraidy cats when it comes to crucifixes.”
They were so involved in their conversation, Mina and Van Helsing did not notice that Dracula had slipped from behind the tapestry and stealthily crept up to Mina with his mouth open and ready to bite.
“I’m sorry, doctor,” she said, shaking her head. “If you had given me some scientific proof, some rational explanation, I might have been willing to consider your theories. But are you really expecting me to believe that a grown man like Count Dracula is afraid of a little crucifix like this?”
She waved the crucifix around in the air just at the precise moment Dracula was ready to sink his fangs into her neck. Crinkling his face in repulsion, he shrunk back to the tapestry and disappeared through the door to the basement. (Author’s note: Yes, I know Van Helsing should have seen Dracula’s approach but his German instincts caused him to concentrate so hard on Mina’s face that he completely overlooked the attack. Perhaps this is why Germany lost so many wars.)
“Yes,” Van Helsing replied vigorously. “I’m expecting you to believe exactly that.”
With a toss of her pretty head, she laughed. “The next thing you’re going to tell me is that there isn’t a St. Nicholas?”
“Who? The professor wasn’t quite sure to whom she was referring, with a hint of doubt that she didn’t know what she talking about.
“Never mind.” Mina waved her hand to dismiss the irrelevant conversation altogether. “The solution to this conundrum is to get Jonathan over this terrific drunk, put his pants on him and guide him back to England and Our Lady of the Perpetual Headache.”
Van Helsing slapped his brow. “And you’re giving me a perpetual headache!” He felt the urge to slap Mina rising from his gut so he clomped up the stairs.
“There’s no need to storm away in a snit,” she said, amazed by his sudden explosion.
“Bah!” was the only reply the doctor could muster. He went in the bedroom where Jonathan had slithered. “Get out of here, you twit!”
Jonathan emerged from the room, snapped his head back and hissed. “May your fat old carcassss burn in hell!”
Mina had never heard such language from his lips before, and she was shocked. “Oh, Jonathan dearest!”
He leaned over the balcony rail. “Yessss?”
“Remind me not to let you have any wine when the vicar comes to dinner after we’re married.” Her eyes fluttered. “You seem to have picked up the most offensive language while in Transylvania.”
Hissing again, Jonathan disappeared into the darkness of the upstairs corridor. Mina had not a moment to regain her equilibrium when Count Dracula materialized from behind the tapestry.
“Good evening, Miss Mina.”
She jumped, her attention drawn away from the balcony. “Oh! Count, you startled me!”
“My apologies.” He gave her his deepest, most impeccable bow.
“You seem to pop up out of nowhere.” Her voice seemed to leap an octave.
A knowing smile flitted across his thin wan lips. “I have been told I have that propensity.”
“But I am glad to see you.” She took a step toward him. “Quite frankly, Dr. Van Helsing has been saying some rather nasty things about you.”
“Small thoughts from small minds,” he countered lightly, as though to paint Van Helsing as a person of low character, a rather shameless act in itself.
“What a clever retort.” Mina smiled brightly. “I’ll have to remember it and embroider it on a throw pillow for my mother.”
“Exactly what did Dr. Van Helsing say about me?”
“It’s really too ridiculous to mention,” she said hesitantly.
“Very well.” Dracula extended his arm to Mina. “Why don’t we go back upstairs to discuss redecorating that bedroom? I don’t think we finished.”
Resisting his advances, Mina stood her ground. “He said you were a—oh, I’m too embarrassed to mention it.”
“Then don’t.” He attempted to take her hand. “Right up these stairs.”
She stopped again. “Count, I’m rather fatigued. Why don’t we continue this conversation tomorrow, when we can view the room in the morning sunlight?”
“I—I don’t think that would be possible,” Dracula stammered.
“Why not?” Mina’s voice took on a more serious, mature tone than it had ever possessed before.
“I’m a late riser,” he replied drily.
“How late?” She narrowed her eyes.
“Sunset.”
Mina turned and walked away. “That’s all right. I’m sure Susie Belle could discuss the redecorating after a nice lunch.” Looking over her shoulder she smiled. “Just us girls.”
“She also sleeps rather late.”
“Well, then I’ll talk to—“
“Claustrophobia also,” he brusquely interrupted.
“I see,” she whispered as she pulled the crucifix from her pocket. “I have something here I would like to show you.”
“Good.” Dracula went to Mina and reached for her arm. “You can show me in the bedroom.”
“No, I’d rather show it to you here,” she said slowly, stepping away.
“Well, what is it?”
“It’s some Dr. Van Helsing gave me.”
He drew back in apprehension. “How droll.”
Jonathan appeared from the shadows on the balcony, slithering over to the railing. “Leave the bimbo alone! She’s mine!”
“What an unflattering characterization.” She blinked in agitation.
“Mr. Harker, your presence is not welcome at this moment,” the count bellowed.
“May you burn in hell!” Jonathan snarled.
“Yes, I probably will,” Dracula replied nonchalantly. “But right now this is my castle and I order you to go away!”
Jonathan hissed at Dracula who hissed right back at him.
“Why, count, I’ve never seen you behave like that before!” Mina exclaimed. She looked down at her hand and decided this was not the right time to flash the crucifix in front of the boys, so she put it back in her pocket.
Dracula regained his composure and looked embarrassed. “Sometimes you have to sink to the other person’s level to make them understand you.”
Jonathan hissed again, and Dracula returned in kind.
“Is all this hissing necessary?” Mina asked.
“Yessss!” Jonathan retorted.
“No!” the count shot back. “Really, Mr. Harker, you are beginning to embarrass me.”
“Then leave my woman alone!” He slinked down the staircase and approached his girlfriend. “Come, Meena, let me show you around the castle.”
Jonathan grabbed Mina’s hand to lead her upstairs but Dracula took her other one and pulled back.
“No, you don’t!”
“She’s mine!”
“No, she’s not!”
Jonathan and Dracula tugged on Mina back and forth until she screamed.
“Please! I’m beginning to feel like a batch of taffy!”
Abruptly stopping, Dracula wrinkled his brow. “This word taffy. I don’t understand.”
“Taffy is a kind of candy that you—“
Jonathan interrupted Mina in the middle of her dissertation on confectionary delights by dragging her away. “You’ll love the game room.”
“Oops, excuse me, count,” she said, “I’ll finish telling you about taffy later. Jonathan wants to show me his trapeze now, I think.”
When Jonathan opened the game room doors, he came face to face with Susie Belle and Claustrophobia.
“Where are taking her, Jonny?” Susie Belle asked.
“To the game room.”
Claustrophobia shook her head. “You don’t want to take her in there.”
“Yeah,” Susie Belle agreed. “She’s too much of a fuddy duddy. She wouldn’t have any fun in there.” She slinked over to paw at Jonathan’s chest.
“Yes, we’re so much more fun in the game room,” Claustrophobia added as she deftly removed Jonathan’s hand from Mina’s.
Dracula put his arm around Mina’s shoulders, leading her toward the staircase.
“Yeah, Jonny, we just love the way you swing,” Susie Belle cooed.
Jonathan leered at her. “I like the way you swing too, Susie Belle.”
“And me,” Claustrophobia giggled as she caught up with them, “you like me too, don’t you, Jonny?”
“Of course, Claustrophobia.”
The vampire brides push Jonathan through the game room double doors. Before she shut them, Susie Belle leaned back in to give the A-OK hand signal.
“Thank you, my sweet,” Dracula purred.
“Anytime, toots,” she said as she shut the door.