Now fully dressed, Mina stepped out onto the balcony from her bedroom just in time to see Jonathan, Susie Belle and Claustrophobia enter from the game room. They stopped abruptly when they saw Van Helsing at the bottom of the stairs. Jonathan pointed at him.
“Van Helsing’s alone! We can get him now!”
“Jonathan!” Mina screamed from the balcony.
Susie Belle looked up. “Jonathan belongs to usss. Go away! We have better things to do, like killing that old man!”
“Yeah,” Jonathan agreed. “That old man has been a pain in the neck!”
“No,” Claustrophobia corrected him. “We’re the pains in the neck.”
“That’sss right,” Susie Belle replied with a hiss. “He’s a pain in the—“
“What are you bimbos hissing about?”” Van Helsing bellowed.
“None of your businesss!” Susie Belle taunted.
“Come over here, and we’ll show you!” Jonathan challenged the professor.
“Jonathan!” Mina wagged a finger at her fiancé. “I have never seen you be so rude!”
“Very well.” The old German was not afraid of anything, as long as he was carrying his valise, that is.
“What have you done with Salacia?’ Claustrophobia asked.
“I’ve put her in her grave.”
“You must be kidding!” Susie Belle sneered. “It ain’t morning yet.”
“Permanently,” Van Helsing intoned ominously.
“How sad.” Claustrophobia almost shed a tear.
“Would you like to join her?” The doctor’s question was an unveiled threat.
“Git ‘im!” Susie Belle ordered, and Claustrophobia and Jonathan fell in line behind her.
“Jonathan, no!” Mina’s lower lip quivered. “You always told me it was unmanly for a gentleman to take orders from a woman!”
They had only taken a few steps when Van Helsing casually pulled the crucifix from his bag, causing the trio to melt away in fear.
“Ugh!” Susie Belle grunted.
“Pugh!” Jonathan spat in repulsion.
“You don’t play fair!” Claustrophobia was almost in tears.
The professor jutted his chin out. “I don’t have to play fair. I’m German!” He took a couple of confident strides toward them, holding the crucifix high over his head.
“Let’s go back to the game room!” Susie Belle announced, putting in motion a full cowardly retreat.
Seeing that the danger had passed for the time being, Mina decided to put the whole ugly incident behind her and pretend it never happened. “Oh yes, I feel so refreshed,” she pronounced airily as she descended the stairs to meet Van Helsing in the middle of the entry hall.
“I’m glad you joined me, Miss Mina,” he said.
“Of course, Dr. Van Helsing.” The smile melted from her face as she noticed how grim the professor’s countenance was. “What’s wrong?”
He held her hands and patted them. “Your soul is in mortal danger.”
“Yes, I know.” Mina replied somberly. “I allowed a foreigner to give me a hickey on the eve of my marriage to a proper English gentleman.”
“It was more than a hickey, I assure you.”
“Oh, you mean your delusion that Count Dracula is a vampire.”
He wagged a finger in her face. “It is no delusion. In order to save your soul from eternal damnation I must drive a stake through his heart.”
“Medium or well done?” Mina could not contain her pleasure at making a joke and laughed uncharacteristically loud.
Van Helsing slapped her face again and then walked away in a huff.
“You really must develop a sense of humor, professor.” Mina rubbed her cheek, hoping a nasty bruise would not appear.
“Germans don’t have a sense of humor,” he groused.
“Nonsense,” she argued. “I know this delightful German in London who has the funniest theories about the workers of the world uniting and—“
“Ah yes,” Van Helsing interrupted. “Karl and His family. Everyone knows the Marx brothers are nuts.”
The doors of the game room opened, and Jonathan took a brief pose of lust before hissing at the doctor and slinking over to Mina, rubbing his lips across her blushing cheeks.
“Kisss me, Meeena.”
The request left her panting. After Mina caught her breath, she gasped, “Jonathan, you’ve taken your trousers off again.”
His lips went to her neck. “Kisss me. I want to be a part of you. Part of your blood.”
“Your advances do not work on Miss Mina, Mr. Harker,” Van Helsing announced with resolve.
“I don’t know, doctor.” Her eyes rolled back up into her head. “He’s doing a pretty good job.”
“Miss Mina,” he warned, “in his present condition, Mr. Harker is as dangerous as Count Dracula.”
“More dangerous, professor,” she whispered.
Jonathan lifted Mina and delivered her to the sofa when he gently lay her down. “Let’s get more comfortable.” He lowered himself next to her and kissed her neck.
“Definitely more dangerous than the count,” she added.
“Do you really want to see dangerousss?” he asked.
“Yes!” she screamed.
Jonathan opened his mouth wide, exposing his fangs, and aimed for her throat. Van Helsing interceded by sticking his crucifix between them. Jonathan gasped in horror, recoiled and sprang from the sofa, dumping Mina on the floor.
“You’ll pay for your meddling, old man!” Jonathan hissed again and ran upstairs. He went into one of the bedrooms and slammed the door.
“You certainly know how to break a mood,” she said, sounding none too grateful.
“May I give you a hand?” Van Helsing asked.
“No thanks,” she replied. “I don’t need applause, but I would appreciate your helping me up.”
After assisting Mina to her feet, the professor continued his lecture. “Surely you must now realize the danger you are in. Unless I can kill the wife of Dracula who has bitten Mr. Harker, he will become a vampire permanently.”
“I realize you are completely serious about this.” She cocked her head to appraise the doctor’s face.
“Deadly serious.”
Mina shook her head. “But it’s so utterly fantastic.”
“That is the strength of the vampire,” he retorted. “He thrives upon the incredulity of the masses.”
Her eyes lit as though she had latched on to a weak link in his argument. “I thought you said he thrives on blood.”
“Miss Mina,” Van Helsing sighed, “you are a beautiful girl and a delightful hostess at a party, but you are one of the dumbest broads I have ever met.”
Her pert little chin lifted in pride. “That’s why Jonathan loves me so.”
“Do you have any logical explanation for any of the occurrences, the bizarre behavior you have witnessed tonight?” The doctor resisted his impulse to slap her again.
“I—I must admit I have no explanation.” The shadow that crossed her face faded immediately as her eyes filled with dreamy moods. “But Count Dracula is so suave and debonair. And cultured. You should see his art collection.”
Van Helsing pursed his lips. “I believe in function over form, thank you.”
“He has the most unusual settee arrangement, coffins,” she continued, ignoring his German pronouncements.
“Coffins, did you say?” He stepped forward. “Where is this so-called art gallery?”
“Behind the tapestry is a door leading down stairs to the basement.”
“Ah,” he gasped in revelation, “his resting place during the day.”
“Yes.” Mina wrinkled her pretty little brow. “You did say vampires slept during the day in their coffins, didn’t you?”
“Exactly.” His finger shot up to provide a physical exclamation point. “And how do you explain all the piles of guano around here?”
“What?” Mina tilted her head as though she didn’t understand what he said.
“Guano! Guano!”
“Oh.” She smiled and nodded. “Poopy caca. But what does that have to do with Count Dracula being a vampire?”
“Vampires change into bats,” he explained slowly, simply.
Mina’s eyes widened. “You mean—“
“Yes!” Van Helsing almost sang, so pleased she seemed to understand the gravity of the situation.
“Count Dracula isn’t potty trained!”