Several hours later the passenger ship docked in England. As the gangplank lowered, tiny Alice Wrenn edged closer to the edge so when the board finally hit the mooring she was positioned to alight first and run to wave down another open carriage. Again she sat in front while Clarence and Boniface bounced into the back seat still fencing.
The driver turned to wag a finger at them. “No fighting! This is a proper Puritan transportation business!”
Alice threw herself into the driver’s arms and kissed him with shameless vulgarity. When she pulled away, the driver had a silly smile on his face.
“Actually, my wife is the Puritan of our family. She insists I run my business the way her father ran his. Personally, I don’t give a bloody damn.”
Pouting her pretty lips, Alice promised, “If you get us to Hampton Court quickly, I’ll kiss you again.”
The driver cracked his whip, and off they flew, knocking Clarence and Boniface on their asses but just for a moment. As the carriage rocketed out of sight, Maria raced down the plank and tried to whistle down another carriage. However, the only form of conveyance available was a donkey cart. Maria climbed into the seat next to a driver that smelled of his own animals. Rodney and Steppingstone climbed into the back and fenced as they tried to keep their balance in the hay pile.
Meantime, in the Hampton Court throne room, Queen Elizabeth sat in her huge, ornate chair holding her bonky sounding scepter. Robin stood deferentially by her side. A small group of courtiers stood in front of her, nervously shifting their balance from foot to foot.
“Gentlemen,” she announced gravely, “we have received no word from our valiant heroes in Spain. Until we hear from them, we can only wait with prudence and eagerness to protect our shores from the impeding Spanish invasion.”
They bow and slowly back out of the room.
“Good.” Robin’s eyes twinkled. “We’re alone.”
The queen extended her arms. “Come to Bessie, baby!”
Robin wriggled onto the throne and hugged Elizabeth with a verve created only by the release of sexual tension. They kissed with appalling slurping and smacking. This display of passion gone awry continued for several minutes until interrupted by the doors being slung open. Alice ran to the throne as Clarence and Boniface continued their fencing, although the elder courtier was showing signs of flagging vitality.
“Your majesty!” Alice announced loudly. “We’ve discovered the identity of the traitor!”
“Not now!” She waved her scepter over her head. “Can’t you see I’m busy!” She returned to attacking Robin’s tonsils with her tongue.
Maria ran in and approached the throne with bold determination, announcing in her most patriotic English accent, “Your Highness! We have the traitor!”
“It’s no use,” Alice confided with a sigh. The Virgin Queen is occupied.”
Robin pulled away for an instant. “Hah!”
After bonking him with her scepter, Elizabeth pulled him back into her clutches. “Oh, shut up and kiss me!”
Rodney and Steppingstone finally arrived, still fencing. They started circling around in the throne room, coming dangerously close to nipping both Clarence and Boniface. Maria scurried over to Steppingstone to smack his bottom with her strong hands.
“Look, your Majesty!” she repeated, “we have the traitor!”
“I said don’t bother me!”
The daring escapade was quickly dissolving into unmanageable madness when Alice screamed and swooned in the middle of the room. Surprisingly, her fit captured everyone’s attention, ending the royal canoodling fest and both fencing matches. Clarence dashed to lift Alice from the cold marble floor.
“My darling!”
In his arms, Alice, eyes aflutter, smiled. “Oh, Clarence.”
“Can’t I get any privacy around here?” the Queen harrumphed.
“But, your Highness,” Rodney pleaded, “there’s a traitor here!”
“Traitor!” Robin echoed in shock as he stood, dumping Elizabeth on the floor. He quickly helped her to her feet.
“All right, all right,” the Queen grumbled. I won’t get anything important done until this traitor business is cleared up. Tell us. Who is the traitor?”
“Lord Boniface!” Clarence declared as he placed Alice in an upright position.
“Lord Steppingstone!” Rodney announced triumphantly.
Clarence and Rodney looked at each other quizzically.
“Steppingstone?”
“Boniface?”
Clarence furrowed his brow. “Who are you?”
“Rodney Broadshoulders. Who are you?”
“Clarence Flippertigibbit.” He smiled and extended his hand. “So nice to meet you.”
“I’m so glad you didn’t go down with the Aquamarine Pigeon.” Rodney pumped Clarence’s hand.
Steppingstone and Boniface traded perplexed glances.
“You mean you were working for Phillip?” Boniface asked.
“Yes.” Steppingstone added in a childish tone, “I was going to get Wales.”
“But he was going to give me Wales!” Boniface stuck out his lip.
“That’s what you get for not being loyal to Queen Elizabeth!” Robin lectured them.
“Yes, for placing your own greed before the well-being of England, you are hereby doomed to ignominy!” The Queen turned to smile at Clarence and Rodney. “But you two valiant young men shall be knighted and glorified for your selfless duty to your Monarch!”
Clarence bowed with extreme drama. “Thank you, your Majesty. Your generosity is unparalleled.”
“No thanks is needed.” Rodney bowed awkwardly. “We did it for England. This other Eden, demi-paradise, this royal throne of king, this sculptured isle—“
“Sceptered! Sceptered!” Clarence interrupted with severe irritation.
“Are you sure?” Rodney shot back.
Alice smiled with embarrassment as she approached Maria. “So your lover was a spy for Elizabeth after all.”
“And your fiancé as well,” she replied with a proper English clip.
“So we weren’t in love with the same man,” Alice said.
“We were both mistaken, it seems.”
Alice laughed. “I don’t understand how we could have been so foolish.”
“When you spoke of a valiant warrior, I only thought of Rodney.” A patronizing smile flickered across her lips. “Clarence is sweet, but he is only a boy.”
“I beg your pardon.” A distinct edge entered her voice. “Clarence is the hero of many naval battles.”
“Do you want to compare biceps?” Maria glanced over at her lover. “Rodney, put up your arms.”
“Ladies! Ladies!” Elizabeth announced in her most queenly manner. “Why the silly bickering? In the eyes of his lover, every man becomes a hero.”
“You are correct, your Majesty.” Maria extended her hand to Alice. “I’m sorry. Clarence is a true hero. And I assure you, he was always a gentleman when he was under my dress.”
“And Rodney was always well behaved as we traveled in cognito as Gypsies.”
“I’m terribly sorry for calling you a twit.”
“And I’m sorry I made those snide comments about your name.”
Maria hugged Alice. “You’re so sweet. I feel so guilty.”
“There, there.” Alice patted her back. “Don’t fret. All is forgiven.”
They pulled apart and held hands.
“I’ve a marvelous idea!” Maria squealed in delight. “Why don’t we have a double wedding!”
The girls jumped up and down and giggled.
“How marvelous!” Alice gasped. “And we could wear matching gowns! I know the most marvelous seamstress!”
“Yes,” Elizabeth said loudly in an attempt to regain all the attention. “Love will conquer all, even the fleet of King Phillip, which will be approaching soon.”
“Yes! The invasion!” Rodney smacked his forehead with his beefy palm. “There’s no time for weddings while the Spanish fleet is at our door!”
Clarence lifted his epee in salute to Rodney. “We’ll joined our swords to repel the evil that threatens our shores!”
“Well said, young men!” Robin boomed.
“Let this Armada come!” Elizabeth joined in the saber-rattling.
“What’s Armada?” Rodney asked.
“I don’t know,” Robin replied. “What’s Armada with you?”
Elizabeth bonked him again with her scepter. “We are ready! With the ardor and passion of our young people, we shall overcome all obstacles and when the foe is vanquished, there will be time for wedded bliss.”
“Yes.” Clarence took Alice in his arms. “It is a bless I long for.”
Rodney followed suit with Maria. “I’ll count the hours until I can say I do, and we do.”
Both couples engage in unhinged ardent smooching.
“Ah, young love,” Elizabeth sighed contentedly.
Robin hugged his Queen. “Old love ain’t so bad either, Bessie.”
They hopped back on the throne and resumed their previous session of lovemaking. Steppingstone and Boniface observed at all the preoccupation with romance, then glanced at each other and shrugged.
“To Spain?” Steppingstone asked in a whisper.
“To Spain!” Boniface agreed sotto voce.
They linked arms and tiptoed out.