Like a tiny bird escaping a hungry cat, Alice ran through a heavy wooden door on the lowest level of the Alhambra, only to find herself in the kitchen. Scullery maids mopped the rough stone floor, and frumpy old women were busy chopping vegetables and peeling fruit for the evening royal dinner. She stopped abruptly, not quite sure where to turn next. She did know she had to exit quickly because the aroma of soapy water mixed with freshly sliced orange made her nauseous. At first Alice decided to exit through the same door she entered, but a pair of brutish guards burst into the kitchen. She could have uttered an obscenity involved fecal material but instead scrammed in the opposite direction, not knowing where it would lead. Along the way she knocked a large wooden bowl filled with oranges onto the floor. Phillip’s thugs, trained to be inflict physical pain but lacking grace and agility, tripped on the bruised fruit and sprawled across the floor. One of the cooks walloped them on their heads.
“How can we prepare the King’s supper with you dolts stumbling through the kitchen?”
Although quite aerobically fit, Clarence was running out of breath trying to elude the King’s guards. He slipped in a side chamber in order to catch his second wind. He became aware other huffing and gasping other than his own. It was deeper and faster. Looking around, Clarence found himself face to face with Lord Boniface. Because of his youth and great military training, he recovered quickly and dashed back through the door and down another corridor.
Deciding the quickest way to go from the second floor down to the courtyard would be to slide down the granite staircase bannister, Maria whipped one leg over the railing and let out a whoop as she slid downwards. The speed at which she was moving caused Maria to worry she might crack her hip if she landed too hard on the courtyard. Luckily for her, Senior Vacacabeza happened to be standing in just the right spot to break her fall. Without even a la-ti-da, she stood and ran off who knows where. By the time Vacacabeza could stand, two more guards ran down the steps and knocked him on his ass again.
Rodney found himself cornered in the royal dining room by several guards coming from all directions. Looking up, he spied the chandelier, jumped on one of the tables and leapt onto the chandelier, swinging back and forth until he could fly through a tall window. Unfortunately, by doing so, Rodney landed on King Phillip, still sitting on the edge of the fountain. The impact knocked both him and the King into the fountain. It also put Rodney dangerously close to being captured. He quickly pulled himself out of the fountain pool, shake a bit like a dog retrieving a water fowl on a hunt. Then he ran through the yard, still not knowing how to get the hell out of that damned palace. Phillip struggled out of the pool, only to be knocked back into it by two guards barreling through after Rodney.
Quite by happenstance, Clarence and Alice encounter each other down another one of those confounded hallways. After a quick embrace and kiss, Clarence beamed at her.
“My darling! I’m so glad we’re together again!” He grabbed her hand. “I won’t let go of you ever again. We’ll escape this madhouse together!”
Clarence tried to move, but Alice would not budge. “Clarence, tell me honestly. Is there another woman?”
“No time for chitchat, Alice dear.” He tugged hard on her arm to dislodge her. “We have to return to England!”
As they resumed their sprint, Alice added, “Very well. But when we’re in London, you’re gonna catch hell!
Vacacabeza followed Maria back into the banquet hall. (Author’s note: Yes, I know. They’ve gone back up the stairs somehow. Just remember these young people live in the fifteenth century and did not have the benefit of an education in twenty-first century America.) Maria slid under one of the banquet table. Her guardian tried to follow her but his aching knees gave out and he landed face first on the floor. Rodney ran in from another door. He stopped sharply.
“Oh damn! Why am I back in here?”
Before he could answer himself, Rodney heard guards clanking down the hall and about to enter the hall. He had to hide under one of the long oaken tables. He kept crawling along until he bumped into Maria’s backside. She turned to see him.
“Rodney!”
“Maria!”
The lovers cocked their heads as they heard the guards bang into Vacacabeza. They could tell they all fall down and go boom. While Vacacabeza and the guards grumble loudly, Rodney and Maria shuffle in the opposite direction on their knees.
“Why are you dripping wet?” Shaking her head, she said, “More importantly, I think I should be mad at you.” Her French jealousy was showing again.
“No time for anger, love. We have to get back to England!”
“And why should I go to England with you?”
“Why, to marry me, of course.”
“Oh goody! I accept!” She paused. “Kiss me!”
“Escape first, kissing later!”
And then they vamoosed. Meanwhile in the throne room Phillip sat, slumped over and looking dejected as he pondered if he had the energy to retire to his bedchambers to change out of his wet royal duds. Boniface, still huffing like the old gray mare, ran in and bowed awkwardly.
“Your Majesty! I haven’t been able to catch Flippertigibbit or Broadshoulders!”
The King sighed. “You and my elite guard.”
Clarence and Alice rushed through another door and stopped long enough to gape and moan over their unfortunate turn. Boniface drew his sword.
“Stop, you spy!”
Being especially spry and agile, Clarence rushed Boniface and grabbed the sword out of the old man’s hand.
“You traitor!”
Boniface hopped backwards, trying to place the throne between him and his young opponent. “I prefer opportunist!”
Clarence took a fencing position. “So it comes to this.”
“Not really.” By now Boniface was fully ensconced behind Phillip. “You took my sword!” Sticking his tongue out, he added, “Thief!”
By coincidence, a troop of guards entered from another door.
“Oh!” Alice gasped. “I think I’m going to faint!”
Grabbing her tiny waist, Clarence set her aright and slapped her face gently. “Sorry, darling! We don’t have time for that!”
Phillip held his head in his thin fingers. “Throw your sword to the idiot.”
One of the guards tossed his epee to Clarence.
“Not that idiot. The one standing behind me.” The King was ready for his afternoon nap.
Being an Englishman of the highest moral rectitude, Clarence lobbed back to Boniface his sword. Thus equipped, Elizabeth’s courtier quickly moved in front of the guards, creating a phalanx of sorts.
“En garde!”
“En garde!” Clarence returned to his fencing pose.
Alice ran for the door. “To England!”
Boniface lunged toward Clarence who was quick to counter. The old courtier looked behind him at the guards. “Aren’t you going to help me?”
They looked at the King who shrugged and said, “I say let them kill each other.”
Clarence and Boniface began fencing out the door following Alice’s path. They had barely gone before Lord Steppingstone bounded in from another door. (Author’s note: Steppingstone was a few years younger than Boniface and therefore had a tad more stamina. Steppingstone’s family attributed their enhanced athletic conditioning to a steady diet of goat livers sautéed in ewe’s milk.)
“Your Majesty! I haven’t been able to find them! I’ve looked high and low! Over things! Under things!”
“Obviously not under the right things,” Phillip replied with a sad sigh.
Before Steppingstone could say a word, Rodney and Maria dashed in from yet another direction.
“All these corridors look the same,” Rodney muttered.
Maria stopped and gasped in English tones, “Uh oh! There’s King Phillip!”
“Didn’t you know,” his Majesty said with a smirk, “all corridors lead to me.”
“And Lord Steppingstone!” Rodney pointed at him. “You’re the traitor!”
Phillip looked over at his guards. “You know what I said about the last group that came through here?”
The head guard frowned. “I think so, my Lord.”
“Same principle applies here. Toss them both swords and let them fight it out.”
Before they realized what was going on, Rodney and Steppingstone found epees being thrown at them. However, neither missed a beat and took a fencing stance.
“This farce has gone on long enough.” Steppingstone growled.
“I agree,” Rodney replied grimly.
Maria was unimpressed by the display of gallantry and ran to the nearest door. “We don’t have time for chivalry, darling. To England!”
Rodney retreated, following his beloved, yet he still maintained an outstanding show of fencing repartee. Steppingstone followed them out into the corridor. Entering from the same door, Vacacabeza looked behind him, waving a shaking hand.
“Stop! Halt. It’s …futile…to…run….” He would have said more but he collapsed in a faint on the marble floor.
Phillip shook his head. “On days like this, I seriously consider retiring and leaving the kingdom to my crazy son.”