I went to a grief counselor.  She said I should realize that mourning is a long process.

Sometimes I will get up of a morning and feel like doing stuff—important things like talking to our financial adviser or go to the Social Security office.

Other mornings I won’t feel like doing anything except sit around.  It’s okay to do nothing.  I kind of like having permission to let my brain be numb.  Which it is and will be for the foreseeable future.

Self-imposed must-do lists can cause a lot of stress, which I believe, is a component of grief.  Extreme fatigue hangs like a saturated sheet draped over a body.  However, doing absolutely nothing can be stressful too.  I want to resume my writing.  I feel I have connected with many nice people on the internet talking about my wife’s experience with cancer.  I want to let them know how handling the same grief process which many of them have been through.

I also want to return to storytelling at local museums, farms and basically anywhere people want to hear a yarn.  It made Janet happy to see me all caught up in weaving a tale.

So which kind of stress is worse?  Forcing myself to do the things I sincerely believe will make me happy even though it’s hard to be happy right now?  Or allowing myself to sit and do or think nothing which is so easy right now?

I’ll decide tomorrow.  And the day after that.  And the day after that….