“Finally,” Steppingstone announced, pausing to indicate his disapproval of her tardiness, “Elizabeth of England, the virgin queen!”
Robin emitted a loud guffaw which caused the courtiers standing around the throne room to look at him, some with amusement, others with censure and a few with abject fear that they were about to witness a beheading right there on the spot. Even though he was an aging gentleman with an inflated obsession with sex, Robin was not without some sensitivity for court decorum. Blushing a deep crimson, he put his hand over his mouth.
“Harumph, um, cough, cough. Drafty castle, you know.
Elizabeth, now seated and in possession of her scepter, bonked him on the head with said scepter which emitted a honking noise. In her later years, the queen developed a slapstick humor which mostly manifested itself in her new scepter equipped with sound effects. She thought it was extremely clever, though no one else at court dared acknowledge its existence.
“My Lord Hillary Steppingston, high lord chamberlain,” she began, in her most proper English enunciation, “what news today?”
“News of Francis Drake and his band of pirates.” He replied in his most judgmental tone. He was quite proud of his ability to hint at ridiculing the queen and her favorite minions without exposing himself to accusations of disloyalty.
Robin stepped forward as though he wanted to thrash Steppingstone. “They are not pirates! They are noble men serving their queen!”
Elizabeth bonked him again, causing the earl to take a step back like a well-trained British bulldog.
“Be they pirates or noble men,” the lord chamberlain continued, arching an eyebrow, “Drake and his crew are causing great embarrassment to your Highness.”
“And how does this embarrass me?” She smiled and shrugged her shoulders. “Francis Drake does not sail at my command.”
Robin, admittedly a thick-skulled loyal subject snickered and again received a bonk from the royal sound effect stick.
“The Spanish fleet has sunk a ship flying the English flag,” Steppingstone announced, raising an eyebrow. “All subjects of your Majesty should be embarrassed.
A beautiful petite lady-in-waiting, stepped out of the throng of courtiers. She was not even five feet tall but she spoke in a loud fearful voice. “Lord Steppingstone, which—which ship sank?”
“And why should this concern you, Mistress Alice Wrenn?” The chamberlain cocked his head, looking at her with suspicion.
“She speaks a curiosity shared by her queen,” Elizabeth interceded with authority. “Which ship was it?”
“The Aquamarine Pigeon.”
“Oh no!” Alice swooned into the arms of the closest male courtier.
“Lord—oh what the hell is his name, Robin? All of these fat old men in fancy pants look the same to me. Never mind. You there, holding Mistress Wrenn, take her to her quarters. Swooning is very distracting while the crown is attempting to conduct business.”
“Of course, your Majesty,” the man said and began guiding the young lady towards the door.
“And you better come right back,” Elizabeth ordered. “I see the leer on your face. You better not try anything with her. I know all about you fat old men. You’re all the same!”
“Yes, your Majesty. I mean, no, your Majesty. I shall return in the twinkling of an eye.”
“Clarence, oh, Clarence!” Alice rambled as the man took her out the door.
Robin leaned into Elizabeth and whispered, “What got into her, Bessie?”
“I hope nothing got into her,” she rasped. “Later, Robin.”
“What an odd reaction,” Steppingstone wondered aloud.
“She is but a child,” the queen replied with a faint smile.
“A well-proportioned child, if you ask me.” Robin, unfortunately, was acting like all the other old men who irritated her Majesty so much.
“No one asked you.” She bonked him again. Ignoring the titters from the court, Elizabeth returned her attention to the lord high chamberlain. “Were all lost on the Aquamarine Pigeon?”
He shrugged. “All preliminary reports indicate as much, but we always hold out hope, your Majesty.”
“Be that as it may, we mourn the deaths of gallant Englishmen,” Elizabeth intoned solemnly.
“But they were pirates!” Steppingstone raised his chin in righteous indignation.
“They were Englishmen none the less, and we mourn them.” The queen raised her own chin to show that no one could display righteous indignation better than she could.