The handsome young man–freshly manicured, shaved and coiffed, probably a recent customer at an expensive spray tan establishment—smiled into the television camera.
“Hi, I used to be a drug addict but now I’m not. I tried that old twelve-step program, but who wants to sit around a bunch of unattractive street people? I know I don’t. My arrest record wasn’t looking good–drug possession, lewd and lascivious behavior and driving under the influence. Daddy bought—I mean, hired—a former heavyweight boxer to follow me everywhere I go. He even sleeps in the same bed with me. And, man, is he a light sleeper! Say hello to everyone, Butch.”
A large, bald man with a mustache and dressed in a black suit to cover his massive muscles leaned into the camera.
“Yo.”
“If I even look like I want to pop a pill, stick a needle in my arm or puff on a weed, Butch reminds me–in his own special way–that I really don’t want to do that. Show ‘em what you do, Butch.”
Butch stepped behind the handsome young man and placed his claw-like hands on his shoulders.
“Gee, I’d like to smoke some pot,” the handsome young man said.
Butch closed his thick fingers slowly, tightly, until the young man screamed in agony and collapsed to his knees.
“On the other hand,” he said through the tears, “I don’t want any pot at all.”
Butch released his grip, stepped back and folded his arms across his chest. Pretty boy stood and moved his shoulders back and forth to relieve the pain.
“Thanks, Butch, I needed that. Would you believe I haven’t had a relapse since Butch came into my life? So if you want to get the monkey off your back, replace it with a gorilla.”
Butch grunted, growled and scrunched up his face.
“I mean, replace it with your new best friend for life. Daddy was so pleased he started a new company and put me in charge. We call it Buddies for Life. Just give us a call at Buddies for Life to set up an appointment so you can get your own Butch. And I know what you’re thinking. Gosh, isn’t that awful expensive? It’s cheaper than you think, especially when you consider the alternatives, like death by overdose at age twenty-five. And if you have a really good sob story, Daddy might cut the price for you, or even give you a freebie. He’s always on the look-out for some good tax write-offs.”
The young man smiled and waved into the camera as a disembodied voice spoke rapidly, “Services might entail serious injuries over an extended period of time. Check with your doctor and/or psychiatrist before starting this regimen. Side effects can include loss of girlfriend, social invitations, sense of well-being, extreme aversion to pain and taking showers.”
“So call Buddies for Life today. It can be the beginning of a new life for you! Be like me. Get high on life, not—no! no! Butch! You didn’t let me finish! I said get high on life and not drugs! Stop it, Butch! Stop it!”