Previously: England awaits the Spanish invasion. Elizabeth orders two of her young heros to Spain on a mission. Each one has a beautiful but jealous lover.
The first morning rays peeked over the tiles of the Alhambra’s roof to find Clarence and Alice slumbering, cuddled in each other’s arms among the flowering bushes of the central courtyard. They had no other place to sleep. Clarence lost his cover under Maria’s voluminous skirts, and Alice had been separated from the other gypsy performers.
(Author’s Note: One can only assume Rodney, in his guise as a Gypsy musician, found shelter in Maria’s bedroom. Trying one’s best to present a fairly family friendly folktale, the author will refrain from suppositions about what happened in her bedroom that night. Oh hell, they did it. I know they did it. You know they did it. Children shouldn’t be reading this in the first place. Let’s keep it real.)
Servants began bustling about the palace in preparation of another day of leisure for the royal residents. Clarence and Alice opened their eyes, squinting in an attempt to avoid the sun’s glare. Once their eyes acclimated to the glorious brightness, they focused on each other and smiled. After exchanging tender sleepy-head kisses, Clarence pulled away and sat up.
“This is wonderful, but I must get back undercover. Remember? For England,” he murmured as he stood.
“By the way,” she asked with a crinkled nose as she also got to her feet, “what were you doing under—“
Clarence looked over Alice’s shoulder to see King Phillip shuffling his way through the maze-like gardens. “Oh no!”
He fell to his knees and tried to hide under Alice’s dress.
“Clarence! What’s going on here?”
He stuck his head out for an instant. “Shh. Trust me, my darling. I know what I’m doing.”
“I certainly hope so.” She hobbled about as Clarence positioned his head between her legs.
“What a pleasant surprise!” Phillip exclaimed as he approached her. “A Gypsy maiden is waiting for me among my roses.”
“What?” Very understandably, Alice found herself befuddled by her current situation. “Oh. Yes.” She smiled nervously while deciding what to do next. She responded with a Slavic accent, which she did without linguistic flair. “Would you like to have your fortune told, your Majesty?”
“No need, my dear.” Lechery crawled across his wrinkled face. “I already know my fortune, and yours.”
He stepped so close, Alice could smell his breakfast on his breath, which was unappetizing in the extreme.
“Your Majesty! What are you going to do?”
“You’re the fortune teller.” Phillip licked his thin lips. “You tell me.”
This latest development was too much for Alice’s sensitivities to bear. She fainted, falling backwards, conveniently landing on Clarence’s backside.
“No, that wasn’t what I had in mind.” The King frowned because she swooned and didn’t land on the ground but rather stopped mid-air. He walked around her to examine the phenomenon. “Is she levitating? I’ve never seen anything like this before.”
Under Alice’s skirt, Clarence was in a dither. He was not sure what was going on but he had to make some executive decisions post haste.
I’ve got to get out of here. He began to crawl away with the hesitancy of an ancient tortoise, careful not to lose balance and cause Alice to fall and break the magical illusion of defying gravity.
“She’s floating away!” Phillip gasped. Divine joy exploded throughout his being. “Quick!” he shouted. “Everyone! A levitating maiden!”
Courtiers appeared from every corner of the palace to gather in the courtyard. They stopped as they saw the miracle, and their mouths went agape. Those rushing up from behind bumped into them, craning their necks to see what all the commotion was all about.
“A miracle!” Phillip had not been this happy in years. “It’s a miracle!”
Clarence continued his tortoise maneuverings through the apprehensive crowd. It’ll be a miracle if I get out of this alive!
The throng parted for Clarence and Alice as the Red Sea parted for Moses. Phillip went to his knees, clasping his hands in prayer.
“It’s a sign! It’s a sign of victory over the English!”
“Call a priest!” one of the courtiers called out.
“A priest?” the King retorted. “Get the Pope!”
As delicate as Alice was, her weight was beginning to crack Clarence’s spine. Give me a ship, rolling seas, a sword in my hand, but this—
Soon Clarence sensed he was through the courtyard into one of the Alhambra’s many hallways. Increasing his pace, he looked for the next right turn down another hall, or the first left turn for that matter. All he wanted was to get the hell out of there. The crowd stood in reverence as the maiden floated away from them.
“No! No!” Phillip creaked back to his feet. “Don’t let that levitating maiden disappear!” He waived his spindly arms. “Guards! Guards!”
Four husky young men in armor and wielding steel swords elbowed their way through the courtiers to follow Phillip as he doddered in the direction of Clarence and Alice. When they arrived on the other side of the mass of humanity, they found only an empty hallway.
“She gone!” the King cried out.
“Who’s gone, Sire?” one of the guards asked.
“The levitating maiden,” Phillip replied.
“A levitating what?”
“Maiden. She was floating around here someplace, until all these people crowded in.”
Skepticism entered the guard’s voice. “A levitating maiden?”
Phillip turned to look at the guard. “You don’t believe me?”
“Of course, Sire!” Sweat popped out on his brow.
The King hit the guard; not very hard, of course, because his hand was pounding against the armor. “You idiot! There was a levitating maiden. There was!”
Meanwhile, down a distant hall away from the courtyard crowd, Clarence carefully slid from under Alice’s limp body, picked her up and looked for a safe cranny into which to deposit her.
“I never imagined being a spy would be like this!” he whispered. Finally he discovered a secluded corner and laid her down and kissed her forehead. “Until later, my love.”
When he left the alcove he spotted Maria coming down the hall. He ran to her and slid under her dress. Maria was left speechless and confused.