Chattering Birds

The other day I was sitting outside when a great assemblage of birds flew overhead. I don’t know the exact number, but it did take a considerable amount of time for them to clear the sky. All I know is that they were not geese, those elegant geese who form a perfection V as they travel. These birds I watched were more of a hodge-podge. I would think they each were on their own but they were all going in the same direction and same speed. I assumed one of them was the leader, but he wasn’t a very good one. Not a single attempt at a straight line among them, and they squawked at the same time. And what a conversation they must have had. Since there was no way I could figure out who was talking when, I have foregone any attempt at attribution.
“Slow down!”
“You go faster.”
“I have two babies here!”
“If you flew faster they’d keep up.”
“Good grief, she thinks she’s the only mother up here.”
“Slow down!”
‘Speed up!”
“Don’t look now, but your babies just passed you.”
“Boys! Slow down for your mother!”
“Okay, who farted in my face?”
“We just flew through an infestation of gasoline belchers and you’re worried about my gas?”
“I told you not to eat the seeds from those wilted flowers last night, but did you listen to me? No. And
now I have to put up with your gas.”
“At least it’s not the kind that kills.”
“Are we there yet?”
“How would I know? I don’t know where we’re going. I just hope it’s not as hot as it is here. I’m beginning to molt out of season.”
“Will you please get your beak out of my tail?”
“Fly faster. Your tail smells like—“
“Are you sure we’re going in the right direction?”
“I don’t know. Crazy George is in charge for this leg.”
“Good grief! We’re going to get lost!”
“Hey! George can’t help it. He’s dyslexic.”
“When’s lunch? I’m hungry.”
“We’re flying straight through. You should have eaten more of those flower seeds last night.”
“And have the farts the rest of the way back? No way!
“Does everyone have to talk at the same time? I’m getting a headache.”
“You want a headache? I’ll whack you upside the head with my wing. Then you’ll have a headache.”
“I don’t even know what half of you guys are saying.”
“It’s better that way. If we knew what some of them were saying, we’d fly off in a snit and then we’d be lost.”
“If we were lost then we might as well stop for lunch. I’m still starving.”
“Boys! If you don’t slow down for your mother right now—“
“What are you going to do, Ma?”
“Yeah, Ma, you have to catch up with us first.”
“Was that Crazy George who just flew past us going the other way?
“Who’s turn is it to lead now?”
“I don’t know maybe George knows something we don’t. Maybe he’s not as crazy as we think.”
“I’m getting scared.”
“Don’t let the guy with the farts be the leader!”
“Never mind. Here’s George coming back. He’s pushing along the mother with the two fast boys.”
“See? I told you George wasn’t crazy.”
“Are we there yet?”

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