A lot of people don’t know this, but Santa Claus hasn’t always lived at the North Pole.
Way back in the Middle Ages, he lived in the Netherlands. His original name was Sinter Klaus which was Dutch. He got started carving those wooden shoes for the children. Soon he found out kids weren’t all that keen about shoes. Their parents got them shoes all the time. Who cared if he carved them to look like squirrels, rabbits and deer? Then he wised up and started carving toys and making dolls. The word got out, and Santa became a fan favorite in December.
All was cool for a couple of hundred years until the Goths and Visigoths began raiding the Low Country. He kept trying to tell them they didn’t have to steal the toys. He was going to deliver them to the Goth and Visigoth children anyway. At least some of them. Goth and Visigoth kids can be real little brats if truth be told.
“We don’t accept charity,” the leader of the pack said. “If our little boys and girls want a toy for Christmas I’ll get it for them.”
“Even if you have to steal it,” Santa said.
“That’s right. Even if I have to steal it. At least I know what they really want. They don’t have to settle for what you decide to give them.”
Now Santa knew why the Goth and Visigoth kids were horrible. Their parents were horrible. So Santa decided it was time for a change of scenery. Each Christmas Eve as he flew his sleigh and eight tiny reindeer around the world he noticed Florida was a nice place. Lots of sandy beaches, very warm and not so many people to crowd his space.
He, the elves and the reindeer packed up their stuff and moved right after the first of the year in 1492.
Bad timing. The Spanish were on the way, but he didn’t know it then. He knew when children were naughty or nice, but Santa didn’t have a clue about adults. When people got to be adults, they were apt to do anything, especially anything naughty.
Santa and the gang managed to last a couple of hundred years before the Europeans started to settle in. The worst part of living in Florida, however, was that the elves were completely distracted by the sandy beaches. It was too cold in Holland to do much except make toys; but in Florida the sun was out and the surf was up.
The big guy himself didn’t care to spend the day at the beach. His cheeks were rosy enough without getting sun burned. And that little round belly might look cute when all covered up in a red suit and white fur, but when it was exposed in a pair of cargo pants, well, fuhgeddaboutit.
The elves, on the other hand, loved splashing in the water and body surfing. They found a new use for coconuts. Santa thought it was cute to carve them to look like gorilla heads, but the elves liked to chop them open and pour in rum. Few people know the fact that an elf named Ralph invented the pina colada.
When the United States pushed the Spanish out Santa decided it was time to move on. First he considered the South Pole but there were too many penguins and walruses. They waddled around and knocked over all the tables, and they have extremely poor hygiene. The North Pole, on the other hand, was nice and secluded.
The elves, by the way, have never forgiven Santa for leaving Florida.
Especially Ralph.