Cancer Chronicles Fifty-Six

It has been six months and a few days since my wife Janet died of cancer. I think she would be proud of the way I have been managing.
I haven’t gone off any emotional deep-end or done anything really dumb out of the blue. I have continued all my activities and stayed in touch with friends. I have continued my writing projects and have even added a couple of new ones. They won’t make any money but hopefully they will make other people happy, an activity Janet and I shared throughout the years.
No doubt about it. I am in mourning and will be for quite a bit longer. All people heal in their own way in a manner that is good for them. For some time I have been in deep contemplation about the national dialogue over the expression “Black Lives Matter.” Because of her experience as a probation officer, Janet knew exactly what it meant and why there was no need for the counter-expression “All Lives Matter.”
I’ve come up with an explanation that I think Janet would approve of. Suppose I was talking to someone and I said, “I’m in mourning over the death of my wife,” and that person’s immediate response was “Well, I’m in mourning over the deaths of all people.”
While I don’t know for sure what my reaction would be, I do think I would be taken aback by the person’s apparent attempt to minimalize the impact of my grief as compared to the grief of everyone in the world as they go through the exact same process.
Yes, of course, every person should mourn the death of everyone. No one deserves more grief than anyone else. Except I think my wife deserves my grief because I shared my life with her and her existence was my reality for 45 years…Black lives matter to anyone who has felt a sense of community with a person killed in a violent situation. You don’t have to be black to share the ingrained experience of injustice or unfairness. Yes, police lives matter. Probation officer lives matter. Prison guard lives matter. They all matter in their own individual way. Not one group has more or less respect than another. I do think it is wrong to respond to any statement of grief with another statement which debases the feelings of the mourners.
We all must be allowed to mourn in our own way for as long—or short—as it may take us. Unqualified sympathy would be appreciated.

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