Senor Vacacabeza was completely befuddled with his order to catch the young spies, being on the Last Rites side of seventy years old, so he felt he wasn’t up to fulfilling the King’s wishes. As he rounded one corner Vacacabeza had to jump back to keep from being run over by Clarence clomping by on his hands and knees with Maria on his back, slapping his rear as though whipping a race horse.
“Tally ho!” the young lady hollered in a perfect English accent.
The old Spaniard took a deep breath and began to trot after them.
“Come back! It’s useless to resist!
In another corridor not so far away, Rodney and Alice stopped at another intersection. They looked both ways.
“Which way should we go?” Rodney asked nervously.
“How would I know? All these hallways look the same!
“Let’s try this way,” he said, taking her hand and tentatively easing down a narrower corridor.
Within a few feet they found themselves face to face with King Phillip himself. Alice screamed and began to swoon, but Rodney pushed her back to her feet.
“Aha.” Phillip pointed at them. “There you are, my little enchilada!”
Again Rodney twisted his face in confusion. “What’s an enchilada?”
Alice took control by grabbing Rodney’s hand and running in the opposite direction. “I don’t have time to explain!”
Phillip stomped his foot in indignation. “I am the king of Spain! You’re supposed to obey me!” After he controlled his pique, Phillip began to run as fast as he could. When he came to a staircase, he saw Rodney and Alice alight the bottom step and separate, running in different directions.
“Guards! Guards! After them!” the King screamed as he descended the steps.
Unfortunately, two large guards appeared behind him and knocked him as they went after the English desperadoes.
At the same time Clarence and Maria ran through the courtyard. Following them at a distance, Vacacabeza stumbled into courtyard.
“It’s only a matter of time before I catch you!”
Clarence turned, hopped from foot to foot, and laughed. “It’s only a matter of time before you run out of breath!” With that exercise of bravado, he grabbed Maria’s hand and disappeared down another corridor.
Rodney leaned over the balcony, looking across the courtyard. “Now where did Alice go?” he muttered.
Vacacabeza looked up to see Rodney on the balcony. “Maybe I’ll have better luck chasing that one!” He made his way to the nearest stairs, waving his fist. “Stop there! It’s useless to try to escape!”
“Uh, oh.” Rodney turned away and beat a more than hasty retreat.
“Drat.” He stopped to put his hand to his mouth. “I think I’m going to be sick.”
In another nearby hallway, Maria and Alice almost bumped into each other.
“Oh,” Maria announced in an English accent dripping with disdain. “So we meet again. Now delightful.”
“Yes.” Alice meet her disdain and matched it with acid sarcasm. “It’s certainly made my day.”
“By the way, I’ve spoken to my lover, and he says I’m the only woman for him.”
“Well, I’ve spoken to my fiancé, and he says he says he loves only me.”
“So it’s impossible we’re talking about the same man.”
“Of course.” Alice raised her haughty little chin.
“I’m so pleased for you,” Maria replied with an edge sharpened by snideness which did not go undetected by the fair Alice.
“And why, may I ask, are you pleased for me?”
Maria extended her statuesque magnificence to its fullest height. “Because if we were talking about the same man, he’d surely choose me over you?”
“And makes your feeble mind think that?” Alice placed her hands on her petite hips.
“Well, I don’t want to upset you.”
“And I don’t want to upset you by saying you wouldn’t have a snowball’s chance in hell with my fiancé.”
Maria’s eyes fluttered and her lips pursed. “And you name is Wrenn, isn’t it?”
“Yes. What of it?”
“It’s just that it’s so appropriate.” She stepped closer. “Wrenn. A little bird. A little twit—I mean tweet.”
Alice’s nostril’s flared. ”And your name is de Horenhausen?”
“Yes?”
Alice put her slender index finger to her lips. “I was wondering….”
“Yes?” Maria become defensive.
“The origin….”
“Yes?” Her face flushed.
“Does it refer to the family profession?”
Maria raised her right hand, now in a tight fist. “Why you—“
The confrontation surely would have ended in fisticuffs but King Phillip entered the courtyard followed by two guards.
“After them!”
“We’ll settle this later, my little bird.” A Teutonic crispness entered her voice.
“Anytime, my big—“
“Don’t you dare say it!”
Phillip stopped flummoxed as he stopped in the middle of the courtyard and watched the young ladies disappear among the labyrinthine corridors. Before he could reprimand his guards for moving too slow to catch the maidens, he saw Rodney scamper down a set of steps following by a huffing Vacacabeza. When the clip clopping in the opposite direction descending the other staircase drew his attention, Phillip saw Clarence.
“Stop! Stop!” the monarch bellowed. “Aha! We’ve got them trapped! We’ve got them trapped!”
Rodney immediately reverses his course and goes up the steps, knocking Vacacabeza down, causing him to roll down until the ambassador ended his tumble at the feet of the King.
Clarence, on the other hand, being lighter and therefore more fleet of foot, had made it to the bottom of his staircase before realizing he had come face to face with the royal guards. He wasted no time in backtracking up the steps with the two guards in pursuit. Three-fourths of the way up he jumped to the bannister and leaped to the balustrade. Clarence flung himself over it and disappeared down another hallway. By the time the guards lumbered to the second landing, Clarence was nowhere to be seen.
Vacacabeza doddered across the courtyard and accidently knocked the King on his ass. Phillip stood as quickly as an old man in similar circumstances could recover from a fall.
“You fool! Watch out where you’re going!”
“I’m sorry, your Majesty!” The ambassador bowed deeply. He looked about at the four corners of the Alhambra. “Which one do you want me to chase?”
Phillip sat on the edge of the central fountain. “Neither. I’m getting too old for this.”
Maria, clearly confused by the conflagration of corridors ran back into the courtyard but stopped abruptly when she saw the King and her guardian.
“Mon dieu!” she sputtered in a French accent.
King Phillip pointed at her with great authority. “Stop right there!”
Vacacabeza placed his boney hands on his ward’s shoulders. “That’s right! We’ve got you now!”
“And if my hunch is correct, we also have one of your confederates!” An evil look of satisfaction crossed his wrinkled, bewhiskered face.
“What—what do you mean?” A Spanish fear clouded her voice.
“You know what we mean,” the King replied, motioning to his ambassador to go behind Maria. Each old man went on his knees, lifted her skirt and reached under. “Now we shall see who you are hiding.”
“What are you doing?”
(Author’s note: Actually, it was quite clear to Maria what they were doing. What Maria probably meant was how could they be so crass to be doing it. We can forgive her momentary lapse of cogency because of the extreme awkwardness of her situation.)
“We’re looking for spies!” Phillip replied.
“Come out, come out, wherever you are!” Vacacabeza ordered in a sing-song voice. His hand went between her legs and grabbed Phillip’s nose. “Aha! I think I’ve found him! I’ve got you now! You won’t get away! You’re doomed! “
The King bit the ambassador’s fingers. Vacacabeza quickly pulled his arm away.
“Ouch! That scoundrel bit me!”
Phillip withdrew his arm also and clambered to his feet. “That was no scoundrel! That was me!”
Maria reverted to righteous English indignation. “I agree with him. You are a scoundrel!” Recovering her senses tiptoed between the two old men and scurried out of the courtyard.
“How could Spain become a world power with such incompetent people running it?”
The ambassador stood, dusting off his coat. “You shouldn’t be so hard on yourself, your Majesty—“
“I’m talking about you, you idiot!”
“Oh.”
Rodney, who must have had a terrible sense of direction, ran back into the courtyard. “Uh oh. Wrong way!” He disappeared before the King and his minion could react.
“Do you want to chase him, or should I?”
Phillip sank on the fountain’s edge again. “Oh, you go after him. I’m worn out.”
“As you wish, Sire.” He bowed deeply before running after Rodney. “Come back here, you spy! Escape is impossible!
Phillip watched as Vacacabeza went into the wrong corridor. After huffing a bit, he muttered, “I hope the invasion goes better than this.”