The throne room was completely dark except for one brilliant shaft of moon light shining on the marble floor. Giggles and grunts emanate from shadows surrounding the throne itself. If one dared to enter the great vaulted hall and approach the sacred seat of authority one would be traumatized to behold Bessie in her nightgown and Robin in tights and loosely fitting shirt.
“This is fun.” Robin was barely audible because he had his mouth firmly entrenched in her bosom.
Elizabeth giggled and revealed, “My father used to bring all his wives here at midnight.”
“How romantic.”
Tiptoeing echoed through the hall just outside the large oaken door. Robin sat up. “What’s that?”
“Someone’s coming.” Elizabeth pushed him out of the way and jumped to her feet. “Quick. Behind the throne.
“Aww.” Robin whined like a disappointed schoolboy.
“We can still have fun behind here. Take my word for it.”
Elizabeth and Robin had just barely scooted behind the thrown when Clarence and Alice crept through the wooden door and looked about the room with childish apprehension. Sensing all was clear, Clarence swooped Alice into his arms and rushed the throne where they collapsed on the royal ermine seat cushion. They kiss passionately for a few moments.
“I can’t help but wonder what Elizabeth would say,” Clarence said in a naughty tone.
“Who cares?” Alice replied with a flippant disregard for courtly protocol. Elizabeth is not here to say anything.
“You know,” Clarence revealed shyly, “I don’t think I ever did anything even remotely wicked before in my life.”
Alice took his small but muscled hands and firmly placed them on her perfectly formed petite bosom. “Don’t you think it’s time to stop being so wholesome?”
Clarence was clearly eager to follow up on Alice’s invitation, when the throne fairly shook from a loud imperative.
“Get off!!” Elizabeth boomed from behind the throne.
(Author’s note: One must realize that even though Queen Elizabeth and Lord Leicester were advancing in years and still enjoyed healthy sexual urges, they couldn’t really hear worth a damn. Therefore, from a historical standpoint, most academic circles would agree that Elizabeth’s exclamation was not directed at the young couple but at some mishandled sexual maneuver by Robin.)
Clarence and Alice jumped from the ancient seat of kings as though they had received an electrical shock.
“You know I like to be on top!” the same voice erupted from behind the throne.
Alice ran into Clarence’s arms and quivered as he stroked her hair in order to calm her. “I always thought Elizabeth was all knowing but this is ridiculous.”
“I told you it would be exciting.” She clutched him even tighter. “It was exciting for me. Was it exciting for you?”
He held her small face in his small hands. “I’m so excited I want us to be married as soon as I return.”
“Marriage!” Alice stopped shivering in fear and began jumping in delight. “I can’t believe it! You’ve made me the happiest girl in the world!” She immediately stopped and looked at him in curiosity. “Return from where?”
“I can’t say. It’s part of what I must do to save England.”
“You can’t tell me where you’re going?” Suspicion tinged her voice.
“Especially not where I’m going.”
Alice predictably began to swoon. “I think I’m about to faint.”
She was about halfway down when Clarence shouted out, “Spain!”
Right before her bum brushed the floor, Alice straightened and smiled. “I feel much better now.” Her eyes widened. “Spain? My dearest! You’ll be in danger!?”
“Yes, I know,” Clarence said as he cringed, “but it’s for England.”
Alice embraced him and planted a wet one on his mouth. “Clarence! You’re so gallant!” After another kiss she pulled away. “And now, I must flee to my chambers before I faint again.”
“Yes, please. Go,” he encouraged her. “I love you.”
They could not resist themselves and went into another clutch, which, unfortunately, did not last long because a bellow exploded from behind the throne.
“The crown! Watch out for the crown!” The Queen issued another frantic command.
Clarence sighed and guided Alice to the door.
“Oh, stop complaining!” a male voice mumbled, from behind the throne. “You’re breaking the mood!”
After the young lovers left, giggles and moans from behind the throne continued. In mere minutes the large oaken door creaked open again, and Rodney and Maria entered, with obviously the same idea on his young sexually focused mind.
“Father said this was the most exciting moment in his life, better than jousting,” Rodney whispered, leading her to the throne.
Her Teutonic reply was predictable. “It is ours for the taking!”
They hadn’t even settled in well for a session of smooching when the Queen let go with another outburst.
“I said, get off!” Bessie bellowed.
Rodney and Maria were so startled that they fell off the throne, yet remained in romantic grip as they rolled away on the red carpet.
“Play the game by my rules or not at all!” Elizabeth growled.
Rodney jumped to his feet and helped Maria to stand. “Perhaps we should continue this later, after I return from Spain.”
“You’re going to Spain?” she responded with Castilian inquisitiveness.
“Uh oh.” His dumb—hand caught in a cookie jar—look covered his ordinarily handsome face. “I shouldn’t have said that.”
Maria’s eyes narrowed in German suspicion. “It’s a secret?”
“It’s for the queen,” Rodney proclaimed patriotically.
“For the Crown.” Her tone turned properly English. “I understand. Say no more.”
“You’re so thoughtful.” His dark eyes began to smolder. “No wonder I love you.”
“Je t’adore .”
“I didn’t know the door was open.”
Maria repeated in a language she knew Rodney could understand. “I love you.”
Before the young paramours could say another word, a male voice, sounding very infantile, pleaded from behind the throne, “Will you put down that scepter!”
“Oh,” Elizabeth grumbled, “you’re such a crybaby!”