Monthly Archives: April 2020

We Need to Talk

“Hey, brain, what do you think of that little cutie walking down the street?”
“I don’t think anything about her at all, heart. I’m happily married. And so are you. Or have you forgotten?”
“Of course, I forget all the time. I’m the heart. I can’t remember nothing. You’re the brain, Mr. Smartypants. You don’t forget nothing.”
“Don’t forget anything,” the brain corrected the heart. “Your grammar really makes my blood boil.”
“And it ain’t your blood, genius,” the heart retorted. “It’s my blood, because I’m the one who pumps it.”
“Could you two keep it down up there?” the stomach bellowed. “I’m trying to digest some food here, and that hamburger ain’t gonna metabolize itself, you know.”
“You ate another hamburger?” the heart asked in exasperation. “Stomach, don’t you remember what our doctor said?”
“You’re the brain. You’re supposed to remember those things for all us.”
“Yeah, meathead,” the heart interjected. “All this is your fault.”
“That’s right, heart.”
“Thank you, stomach.”
“I’ve been meaning to have a talk with you guys. Liver, lungs, you better listen up too.”
“I know I’ve caused us to cough too much lately,” the lungs grumbled. “So get off my back.”
“And I—I wanna know who’s responsible for all that cheap gin?” the liver asked. “You’re wearing me out.”
“That’s just it, my fellow organs,” the brain began his speech. “We’re all wearing out. I don’t know if you realize it, but we’re 72 years old. Now, that’s scary old. It’s getting on up there. We need to take care of ourselves better. I’m beginning to forget things, and I’m just too tired to keep reminding everyone to do his job.”
“You’re going to replace me with a younger heart, aren’t you? That’s what this is all about. You’re going to rip me out of my home and give it to some stronger, sexier heart. After all these years of faithful service, and this is what I get.”
“There you go, pumping yourself into another fit,” the stomach muttered. “That’s why I got ulcers. You and your fits.”
“Nobody loves me anymore. That’s all that a heart lives for is love, and you all hate me.”
“Whattaya mean?” the liver exclaimed. “You’re the center of our lives! Whoever thinks of a liver? Nobody. I’m supposed to shut up and keep on working. I don’t even know what I do, but I keep on doing it so we can all live.”
“Brain, could we move this conversation elsewhere?” the lungs asked. “That guy next to us is smoking a cigar, and I’m about to break out in another coughing attack. I know that shakes everybody up.”
“Hey, this walking around feels kinda good,” the heart exclaimed.
“Watch out,” the stomach warned. “I just processed some excess gas, and it’s makin’ its way through the large intestine.”
“Thank you, stomach,” the brain said. “That’s very considerate of you. You know what I think?”
“There he goes again,” the heart moaned. “The brain is gonna tell us what to think.”
“Can it, heart,” the lungs groused. “I’ve got a cough coming on, and it’ll make you feel even worse. We don’t need that.”
“All I wanted to say was, buddies…” the brain was cracking. “We’ve been working together for a long time, and I just want you to know it’s been an honor, a real honor.”
“Now that’s something I should say,” the heart complained. “Nobody ever lets me say the good stuff.”
“Shut up, heart,” the stomach ordered. “You’re makin’ my ulcers act up.”

Booth’s Revenge Chapter Forty-One

Previously: Booth shoots Lincoln and breaks leg in escape. Baker saves Booth’s life at Garrett’s farm. Booth sneaks away to Richmond, where he tricks a widow into caring for him. Lincoln’s friend Lamon interviews Mrs. Surratt and others in prison.
No one had talked to Dr. Charles Leale about the assassination since President Lincoln had died. He presumed someone would contact him about testifying concerning the exact route the bullet took through the president’s skull, but no one approached him. Two months later, and the newspapers announced the trial was about to begin. The speed of the process surprised Dr. Leale; however, talk around town was that the government wanted the conspirators tried and hanged quickly so the nation could go about its healing from the wounds of war. Dr. Leale patiently stood in line with the other curiosity seekers hoping to find a seat in the courtroom gallery.
The military tribunal closed the first few days to the public because of the “sensitive nature of the testimony,” a term which only piqued the doctor’s curiosity. The newspapers reported the tribunal created a makeshift courtroom in the Old Capitol Prison. The panel allowed a limited number of visitors starting Monday, May 15.
Even though Leale arrived at an early morning hour, he still found himself at the back of a long line of impatient citizens. The procession inched its way along because a guard at the prison gate interrogated each person to decide whether to grant admission. Leale overheard the man in front of him explain he was a congressman from Illinois and therefore felt entitled to witness the proceedings. The guard tipped his hat, agreed with the man’s explanation and allowed him in the door.
“And you might you be?” the guard asked, his tone going flat and emotionless.
“Dr. Charles Leale,” he replied.
“Nobody sick here.” The guard shook his head.
“I attended President Lincoln as he lay dying at the Peterson boardinghouse.”
“I wasn’t born yesterday, young fella.” The guard laughed. “You really expect me to believe they would have let a youngster like you near the president that night?”
Leale took a deep breath and smiled. He was accustomed to cynicism about his boyish appearance and lack of experience as a doctor. At times, he wondered why security allowed him to treat Lincoln. In the midst of disbelief and confusion, Leale decided, perhaps the soldiers surrounding the president had no choice but believe him.
“I was the first doctor at the scene of the shooting. My wife had insisted on attending the theater that evening so—“
“I don’t have time to listen to your domestic history, laddie. There are real people behind you waiting. We have only one chair left for the public and it won’t go to the likes of you.”
Shrugging, Leale stepped aside, not feeling the situation warranted that much complaint. The trial would last several days and if he wanted to witness this chapter of history, he told himself to arrive earlier the next day.
“Name?” the guard barked at the next person in line.
“John Johnston,” an elderly man replied in a marked Midwestern accent.
Something about the crispness of the voice, yet an inherent fatigue, drew Leale’s attention. When he turned he saw a man about his own height and weight, slightly hunched over with a thick shock of white hair and the beard of a Kentucky colonel. The old gentleman rested on his came.
“And what makes you think you deserve a seat for the proceedings?” the guard demanded.
“Oh, for myself, I have no merits at all. It’s just that my mother was wanting a personal report, that’s all. I won’t take up any more of your valuable time. After all, she really was only Mr. Lincoln’s stepmother. Not like they shared a blood kinship.” The old man began to turn away.
“Did you say, the president’s stepmother?” The guard’s voice toughened and bellowed. “Do you really expect us to believe Abe Lincoln’s stepmother would still be alive?”
His unbearable exclamation drew the attention of a colonel walking by. He stopped and leaned into the guard’s face. “Of course, the President’s stepmother is still alive! Everybody knows that! How stupid are you, soldier!”
The old man waved a shaking hand at the officer. “Please don’t be harsh with the man. He’s only trying to do his job. Let me explain the situation to him, and I’m sure he’ll understand.”
The colonel hit the guard on the shoulder. “Listen to this gentleman and learn something,” he snarled. “And don’t go mouthing off to him again!” He stalked off.
“Yes, Sarah Bush Johnston Lincoln. My father, Mr. Johnston, died when I was twenty years old. Then she married Mr. Lincoln, and young Abe was only—oh dear, how old was the boy—yes ten years old. I hardly knew him myself, but my mother, bless her heart, raised him as if he were her own. So sorry for wasting your time. I’ll be moving along now.”
Reaching out to take Mr. Johnston by the arm, the guard said, “Nonsense, sir. A gentleman like yourself should be allowed the best seat in the house every day.”
Leale continued to watch the old man as he entered the prison, still not figuring out what it was about Mr. Johnston that fascinated him so much.
The next morning, Leale refused his second cup of coffee and only ate a portion of the large breakfast his wife had prepared, nibbling on a biscuit before rushing off to the Old Capitol Prison. He smiled to himself when he saw the elderly Mr. Johnston was at the end of the line.
“Good morning, sir,” Leale said with a bold enthusiasm. He noticed his greeting caused Mr. Johnston to flinch. “I’m sorry, Mr. Johnston. I didn’t mean to startle you.”
Turning to look at the doctor, Mr. Johnston wrinkled his brow. “How did you know my name?”
“Oh, you probably didn’t notice me yesterday. I was in line ahead of you and was refused entry, but when I overheard who you were, well, I was pleased to have been inconvenienced for your sake.”
“I appreciate your kindness, young man.” He tipped his hat and returned his attention to the front of the line.
“I hope I am able to be seated today.” He paused. “Did I miss much?” When Mr. Johnston did not respond, Leale repeated, “I said, did I miss much? The newspaper accounts are so sketchy.”
“Oh, excuse me, young man. No, you did not miss much at all. Gen. Ulysses Grant testified, although I don’t know why. He was not at the theater.” Johnston shrugged. “A couple more official types. I don’t even recall their names nor understand why they were testifying.”
“Rumor had it that the general and his wife were to attend the performance, Leale continued. “Perhaps if they had gone to the theater, a larger contingent of guards would have been present and the president would have been spared the assassin’s bullet. Can you imagine? After four years of war and to be taken down by a mere actor. It’s shocking.”
“And why do you have such an interest in this proceeding?” Impatience tinged the old man’s voice.

Booth’s Revenge Chapter Forty

Previously: Booth shoots Lincoln and breaks leg in escape. Baker saves Booth’s life at Garrett’s farm. Booth sneaks away to Richmond, where he tricks a widow into caring for him. Lincoln’s friend Lamon interviews Mrs. Surratt and others in prison.
Lamon shook his head and stood. He patted Herold on the shoulder. “Don’t worry. You’ll get to go home. One of these days.” He turned to the door and rapped for the guard. Once in the hall he told the officer, “There’s just one more, correct?”
“Yes, sir. You’ll like him. He’s a man’s man. You won’t see him going crazy, like Herold there.”
This alleged “man’s man” savagely slashed several people, including a sick old gentleman in his bed, Lamon thought. No paragon of manly virtue, he decided; but he chose not to share his conclusions with the guard who had only in the last few minutes become cooperative in his investigation. Once inside the cell, Lamon saw Lewis Paine languidly leaning against the far wall, in a repose that suggested complete serenity. Because of the hood, Paine’s eyes were not visible, however Lamon sensed they reflected the same composure.
“Mr. Paine, I am Ward Hill Lamon, federal marshal. I have a few questions about the charges you are facing.”
“Please take a seat. They just replaced the straw on the floor this morning, so it should be nice and comfortable.”
“Thank you.” Lamon squatted and sat cross-legged. “Do you understand the seriousness of your situation here?”
“Oh sure. I’m probably goin’ to hang.” He turned to Lamon. “You wouldn’t happen to have a chaw of tobacco on you.”
“As a matter of fact, I do.” He pulled the package from his pocket.
“I’d be right more agreeable to talk if I had a lump of tobacco in my cheek.”
“Of course.” Lamon pinched a bit of tobacco off and extended it between two fingers through the hood’s hole so Paine could take it from him with his mouth.
Leaning back as he chewed, he sighed. “That’s mighty good. Neighborly of you. I appreciate it.”
“Think nothing of it.” Lamon gave the prisoner a moment to enjoy his tobacco before he started asking questions. “I know you and the others met with a short, red-haired man under the bridge right before the assassination.”
“Yep. You know, he wasn’t a very nice man. He said I was stupid. I can’t help it. I got kicked in the head by a mule when I was a boy. I liked what he said about gettin’ even. I’ve always liked gettin’ even. I’ve done that a lot.” Paine turned his head to spit into the straw.
“So you felt you were getting even when you stabbed Secretary of State Seward?”
“Hell, I didn’t even know who the old bastard was, but the man said to kill him, and I done the best I could to do it.”
“So killing Seward wasn’t Booth’s idea but the man under the bridge?”
“I don’t think Wilkes knew who this Seward fella was.”
“Who do you think the man under the bridge was?”
“I don’t know. But he thought he was somethin’ to write home about, I’ll tell you that.”
“Do you think he was working for someone else, somebody really big?”
“Ah, you’re not goin’ to start in on that business that Jeff Davis was behind all this?”
“I don’t know, was he?”
“Right at this time I really don’t give a damn.” Paine paused to lean toward Lamon. “Tell me. Do you think I’d have a chance of gettin’ off if I did say Jeff Davis did it?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Then to hell with it.” Paine leaned back against the wall, turned his head and spit again. “Jeff Davis had nothin’ to do with it.”
“The red-haired man was supposed to kill Stanton, and Stanton is still alive. Don’t that strike you as peculiar?”
“No. Johnson is still alive too. That ain’t peculiar, is it? Are you sure you can’t get me off with prison or somethin’ like that?”
“Only if you can tell me something I don’t already know.” Lamon knew this was his last chance to wrangle information out of Paine.
“I’ll tell you somethin’ you don’t know. That lady down the hall ain’t guilty of nothin’ but bein’ a lady, and that’s the God’s honest truth.”
Lamon stood and brushed away the bits of straw that clung to his trousers. “Well, if you think of anything else, send for me. Remember my name Ward Hill Lamon. Can you remember that?”
“Sure I can, Lord Will Raymond.”
After the guard let Lamon out of the cell and escorted him to the prison exit, he asked, “Now you haven’t been lying to me, have you? You really are part of the team to hang those bastards, right? The last thing I need is to get in trouble because I let you in to see them.”
Lamon patted the guard on the back. “You have nothing to worry about me, I assure you. By the way, you were wrong. That last fellow was the craziest one of all.”