Monthly Archives: March 2016

Bessie’s Boys Chapter Eighteen

King Phillip sat at his desk in his private sitting room writing in diary about his encounter with the levitating maiden in the courtyard, which he took to mean complete heavenly assurance of victory over the God-forsaken English. Before he could dip his quill into the inkwell to describe the exquisite beauty of the Gypsy maiden, the chamber door flew open, and Lord Boniface staggered in wiping sweat from his boney face.

“I know the names of the spies in your court!”

Phillip pushed his diary aside and stood. “Who! Who!”

“Clarence Flippertigibbit and Rodney Broadshoulders!”

“Who?”

His Lordship bowed deeply. “Their names aren’t important, Your Majesty. They’re mere callow youths.”

“Then alert Senor Vacacabeza to have them captured!” He pointed to the door.

“My pleasure, Your Majesty!” Boniface rubbed his hands gleefully as he left. “I can’t believe it! Wales is as good as mine!”

A trumpet’s blare echoed through the cavernous Alhambra.

“Ah! Time for court.” Phillip hurried from his chambers and down the hall to the throne room.

He had gone only a few yards when he heard a “Psst!” over his shoulder. The King looked around to see where it could have come from.

“Over here!”

Another damn Englishman, he thought, as he saw Lord Steppingstone motioning to him from side chamber set aside for prayer or a game of grab ass, depending on the Spanish monarch’s predilection at the moment. He joined his spy and closed the door before anyone could see them.

“Your Highness!” Steppingstone was beaming. “I have the names of the spies!”

“Yes, I know.” Phillip found deflating a sycophant’s ego extremely satisfying. “Some callow youths.”

“Rodney Broadshoulders!”

“And Clarence Flippitigibbity!”

“Flippertigibbit!” Steppingstone corrected the King. “And I thought he was dead!”

“Don’t worry,” Phillip comforted him. “He will be dead soon.”

The Lordship bowed deeply. “Of course, Sire.”

“The gall of that Englishwoman to sneak two spies into my court!” Indignation filled his royal voice.

Steppingstone threw his hands in the air. “All England will rejoice the day you liberate it from her tyranny.”

“Oh, shut up, you toad,” Phillip ordered dismissively. “Just find them!” Not waiting for another round of vain compliments, the King left the chamber and continued down the hall to the throne room.

When he entered, trumpets announced his arrival, and courtiers bowed and applauded politely. Phillip did not want too raucous of an outburst when he appeared among his subjects. Vacacabeza stepped from the crowd and closely followed the King so he could whisper in his ear.

“Your Majesty! I understand you know who the spies are!”

He waved to his loyal followers. “Yes. Rodney Broadshoulders and Clarence Flip—flip….”

“Clarence Flipflip?” Vacacabeza shook his head in confusion. “Oh, you mean Clarence Flippertigibbit.”

“Don’t ask me to identify them,” Phillip said as he mounted the steps to his throne. “I wouldn’t know them from Gypsy minstrels.”

Following him up the steps, Vacacabeza reassured him, “Never fear, my Lord. In my many trips to England I met both of them, Broadshoulders and Flippertigibbit.”

After he sat, Phillip glared at his ambassador, envious he could pronounce Clarence’s last name with such ease. “Showoff.”

Maria, with Clarence under her flowing gown, emerged from the mass of courtiers and approached the throne.

In her best Spanish accent, she announced, “I no longer can take your abuse, King Phillip.” Maria paused for all the gasps emanating around her. “I’m leaving for England.”

The courtiers murmured in shock.

“No, you’re not,” Phillip announced simply.”

Vacacabeza walked down the steps and went behind her. “Excuse me, my dear, but your slip is showing.” He leaned over to reach under her dress and grab Clarence’s feet and dragged him out into the open. The courtiers continued to gasp.

(Author’s note: Gasping from the audience at formal occasions involving any royalty throughout Europe was not condoned during this period of history. Except in Sweden, where any introduction of hot air, especially in winter months was welcome, even encouraged.)

Taking Clarence by his collar and lifting him to his feet, Vacacabeza announced with great pride, “Your Majesty, allow me to introduce Clarence Flippertigibbit, spy!”

Clarence took Maria’s hand and ran for the door. “To England!”

Maria added, “Vamanos!”

A few courtiers tried to block their way, but Clarence kicked them in the crotch and they quickly retreated. They were out of the door before the King was able to order his guards to capture them. That was the disadvantage of being an all-powerful monarch. No one around him would dare initiate any action on their own. However, when Phillip officially gave the word, the guards were out of the door lickety-split. At this time, Rodney and Alice, still disguised as Gypsies, made their way from the back of the courtier crowd and to the throne.

“Your Highness,” Rodney began in his bad Slavic accent, “we wandering Gypsy players humbly ask permission to leave your glorious presence.”

Phillip, still trying to figure out how Clarence could have hidden under Maria’s dress all this time, waved his hand dismissively. “Very well. Go, go.”

Rodney and Alice are halfway to the door and their escape when the King focuses his attention on them.

“Hmm, I wonder,” he mumbled. He called out, “Oh, Senior Broadshoulders!”

Rodney turned and smiled. “Yes?”

“Aha!” the Monarch exclaimed.

“I think you just made a mistake,” Alice informed her companion.

“Um,” Rodney said in a pitiful little voice, “may we still go?”

Phillip stood. “Of course. You’re going to my dungeon, and she’s going to my bed!”

“Let’s get out of here!” Alice screamed and grabbed Rodney’s beefy hand and ran.

“Guards! After them!”

Vacacabeza nervously stepped forward. “Um, your Majesty? You just sent all your guards out after Flippertigibbit and my ward Maria.”

“Well then, all of you stop just standing around and go after them!”

A particularly well-dressed courtier stepped forward and bowed. “But, Sire, we are mere fawning court attendants. All we know how to do is look pretty.”

“Damn!” Phillip growled. “Come on, Vacacabeza! It’s up to us!”

Cancer Chronicles Thirty-Eight

Part of the dreary duties required in the aftermath of saying good-bye to a spouse is to deal with the Social Security Office.  The funeral home took care of the initial report.  It was then I learned I could apply for Janet’s benefits since they were higher than mine.

First I called the toll free number and began trying to talk to an automated voice which was determined not to understand what I was trying to explain.  Finally I ended the conversation as the blank voice said for the fourth time, “I’m sorry.  Please repeat—“

Then I went on the website and left a message, but I doubted I would ever receive an answer so I located the closest Social Security office.

I expected the worst and brought a book to read, but once inside the office only a few fellow old people sat about.  A uniformed man sat behind a desk under a sign that read Security Guard.  He was bending someone’s ear about how much he hated government.  His tirade was so vehement I didn’t dare interrupt him.  After all, he had a gun and I didn’t want to give him a reason to go stand your ground on me.  Why an armed guard was needed in a Social Security office in a rural area of Florida disturbed me greatly.

Fortunately, I noticed out of the corner of my eye a computer station where I could check in and receive a wait number, 78.  Someone called out “74” so I knew my wait would not take long.  I found a chair far away from the disgruntled armed employee charged with ensuring my security.

I finally found myself sitting across from a Social Security staffer who smiled sympathetically as I explained what I wanted.  She made an official appointment for three weeks hence and gave me a list of documents I’d need, including an official copy of our marriage certificate.  She even offered condolences for my wife’s death.  The guard had stepped away from his desk so I made a clean break out.

On the home I realized the only person who knew where in the house our marriage certificate was filed was Janet and she had gone away.

I had three weeks to get a new copy from Richmond, Virginia.  I hoped I could communicate better with the Virginia state computer better than I did with the federal one, but no such luck.  I was able to fill out the application pay for it on line.  I waited for the wedding certificate to arrive in the mail but it never came.

I did receive an e-mail saying I needed to fax or scan a copy of my driver’s license to them.  It was difficult since I don’t have a good relationship with computer programs, but I finally figured it out.  But I knew it would not get here in time for the local Social Security office appointment.  After waiting several minutes to talk to a human voice, I was told to go to the office anyway.

The second trip was not as bad as the first.  The security guard on duty held open doors for people in wheelchairs and told people which window to go to when their number was called.  And when I was called in for my appointment, the clerk was pleasant and called up my information, decided he didn’t need my marriage certificate after all and completed all the paperwork.  I went home happy.

A couple of days ago I got another e-mail from Virginia.  They still needed my ID to get the marriage certificate which I didn’t need any more.

Booth’s Revenge Chapter Four

Andrew Johnson loved the earthy smell of a tavern.  Cheap whiskey.  Cheap cigars.  Sweat of ordinary people who work hard for a living.  Nothing and nobody fancy.  Those were his people.  Not those people in the president’s cabinet who looked down on him.

On his third or fourth cheap whiskey at Kirkwood’s—he couldn’t remember–Johnson was trying to forget how he had acted at the cabinet meeting that Good Friday afternoon.  In fact, he wanted to forget how he had acted from the day he was sworn in as vice-president less than a month earlier.  His inaugural speech was incoherent at best.  Johnson thought he held his liquor better than that.  Some friends tried to tell him an enemy probably slipped something into his drink before the ceremonies.  He was not much of one for conspiracy theories, but he also did not want to think he was that irresponsible.

However, if there had been a conspiracy to make him look bad at the inauguration, Johnson would not have put it past Stanton to do it.  Stanton, in fact, had been the object of his drunken outburst at the cabinet meeting.  At one point, Johnson could no longer stand the way the Secretary of War was monopolizing the debate about the nation’s problems.

“One of those problems is why you insist on running this meeting,” he said, his voice barely below a bellow.

“That’s enough,” the president had said.

“Yes, sir.  I know I don’t belong here.”  He remembered stopping to point at Stanton.  “But I can still smell a skunk.”

Johnson had only met Lincoln a few times before they became running mates.  He had always liked him, but came to admire him since the election.  There was something humble yet courageous that he found endearing.  After the meeting, Johnson swung the president around and gave him a big bear hug.

“I’m sorry I embarrassed you, Mr. President,” he blubbered.  “I’m on your side, you know.  It’s just I hate Stanton so much.”

“I know, I know.”  The president pulled away.  “Go home and drink some coffee.  You’ll feel better.”

Johnson had not taken his advice.  Instead, he went back to the Kirkwood and spent the rest of the afternoon drinking in the bar.  At one point he decided to go back to the White and talk man to man with Lincoln about Stanton, but he overheard someone talk about how the president and his wife were going to Ford’s Theater.

“Yeah, I saw the carriage.  Miz Lincoln was all decked out.  Nothing new about that,” the man said loudly.  “She’s gone got that purty dress all mussed up ‘cause it’s about to bust out rainin’.

Everyone else laughed and went back to their drinks.  Johnson decided to do the same.  After supper at the Kirkwood dining room, Johnson continued his tavern travels along Washington’s streets, made dark early because of the gathering storm clouds.  The anonymity of darkness helped him forget what a miserable failure he was.

“Hey, buddy, you look like you need another drink,” a young man with dirty clothes and long straggly hair said as he leaned into Johnson.  “Why don’t you buy yourself another one?  And while you’re at it, buy one for me.”

Johnson looked at the man and chuckled.  “Sure, why not?”  He motioned to the bartender.

“Hey, buddy, you look familiar,” the young man said as he upended his glass quickly, part of the whiskey dripping down his chin.  “Ain’t you famous or somethin’?”

“Me?  Famous?  Naw.  I’m just an old drunk,” Johnson replied with a guffaw.

“That means you’re just like me,” the man said, his eyes twinkling through an alcoholic haze.  “From one drunk to another, how about another drink?”

“Sure, why not?”

Finally, Johnson decided he had drunk enough to put him to sleep for the next twelve hours so he went back to the hotel.  By then rain was beginning to fall.  At the front desk, the clerk gave him a message.  Johnson focused his eyes on the handwriting.

“Sorry I missed you, J.W. Booth,” he mumbled aloud.  After a moment to think, he turned to the clerk.  “Who the hell is that?”

“I think it’s the actor,” the man said softly.

Johnson knew the clerk was trying to ignore his condition and appreciated the effort.  He smiled and shook his head.

“I’m not much for theater goin’.  Maybe you can help me figure out who this fellow is.”

“Oh, he’s quite well known, Mr. Vice-President,” the clerk continued in a friendly manner.  “Mostly does Shakespeare.  From an acting family.  Many people think he’s not as good as his father and brothers, but the ladies worship him.”

“Thank you very much,” Johnson replied.  “But I don’t see why an actor would want to see me.”

“Well, after all, you are the Vice-President,” the clerk offered graciously.

“You’re much too kind,” he mumbled as his hand searched his pocket for some change.  He carefully put a coin in the clerk’s hand.  “Thank you for your consideration.”

“Any time, Mr. Vice-President.”

Johnson staggered toward the stairs and up to his room where he lit the oil lamp and proceeded to take off his wet coat, vest and tie.  Collapsing in the bed, he lay there with his beefy arm over his eyes, trying to keep the room from swirling.  Once his head settled a bit he reached over to pick up the photograph of his wife, who was still at home in Greeneville, Tennessee.

Johnson would never forget the day he met her.  He was seventeen years old.  Riding into town in a ramshackle old wagon with his mother and stepfather, he saw a group of girls standing by the side of the road snickering at them.  He decided to ignore them.  Girls made fun of him all the time because he was a big clumsy boy in tattered clothes and a member of the great unwashed.  When his eyes darted back briefly at them Johnson noticed one of them was sniggering not at him but giggling because—dare he think it—because she liked him.  He brushed the thought from his head.  He was not going to stay in Greeneville anyway.  He had better places to go.

However, within the year the girl sought him out and wore him down.  She was Eliza McCardle and the daughter of a local shoemaker.  They were married when they were both eighteen years old.  He rented a house on Main Street and began a business as a tailor, the trade he had learned as a boy.  In the evenings, Eliza began the arduous task of teaching him to read, write and do arithmetic.  It took years before her lessons sunk into his thick skull.

As the years went by Johnson’s tailor shop became a gathering spot for local men to talk politics, particularly the success of fellow Tennessean Andrew Jackson.  After the local college was organized, Johnson joined the debate team, for which he found he had a particular knack.  Students from the college came to his tailor shop to engage in the political discussions.  After a while, Johnson had enough self-confidence to run for town alderman.  Surprising himself, he won.

Eliza decided he did not need her as his tutor any longer, and so she began having children, Charles, Mary and Robert.  In the meantime, Johnson won seven terms in the state legislature.  Then in 1843, he won election to Congress.  Because of his roots in poverty, he always fought for the common man.  Tennessee elected him governor for two terms.  In 1857, the state legislature elected him a United States Senator.

And all this came about because a pretty girl giggled at him on the side of the road one day.  How did he repay his dear, sweet Eliza?  By maintaining his self-loathing and doubts, drowning them in alcohol.  As a tireless defender of the underdog, Johnson won the love of his constituents, but that love never seemed enough.  Now he found himself Vice-President of the United States, and what was he going to do?  One of these days the people in Washington would find out he was nothing but an ignorant boy, dirty and in tattered clothes.  What would he do then?

Johnson decided he was beginning to feel too sober and reached to open the drawer of the nightstand where he had stashed a pint of whiskey.  He had to eradicate his fears, even if it meant drinking himself into a stupor.  He uncorked the bottle but after only a couple of sips Johnson heard a knock at the door.

Struggling to his feet, Johnson absently carried the liquor bottle to the door, and when he opened it, he saw a middle-aged man with an uneven beard staring back at him.  In one hand was a pistol, and in the other was a bottle.  Johnson squinted as he tried to figure out what was going on.

Verdammt, er ist grob,” the man muttered as he raised the bottle to his lips.

“What the hell does that mean?” Johnson asked as he took his bottle to his lips as well.  “Speak English!”

“Dey said…you is bigger dan I dought,” the man replied as he stepped back.

“Fella, you ain’t makin’ no sense at all,” Johnson said, shaking his head.  He could tell by the man’s eyes that he was scared.  Scared and drunk.

“I can’t—I can’t do dis.”

“Do what?  What the hell’s goin’ on here?”

Lightning lit the hallway briefly followed by an unusually loud clap of thunder.   The man flinched, looked about, and continued to back away down the dark hall until he disappeared in the shadows.  A few moments passed before Johnson’s mouth fell open.  The man was there to shoot him.  And I just stood there like a lump on a log, he said to himself.  And who sent him?  Someone else told him to shoot me, Johnson decided.  If they were waiting for him outside, they might come up in a few minutes to finish the job.  He shut the door and jammed a chair under the handle.

Johnson lurched to the bed and sipped from the bottle, trying to make sense of what had just happened.  A thought crystallized in his alcohol-numbed brain.  He held a liquor bottle as he faced his would-be assassin who held a liquor bottle.  The man was too drunk to complete his mission.  If Johnson continued to drink, he would not be able to complete his mission to help the common man.  He could loathe himself for being the same as a failed assassin or he could change his life.  After staring at the bottle for an interminable amount of time, Johnson stood and strode to the hotel window where he threw the bottle out into the dark.  He stood at the window, listening for the sound of glass shattering against the cobblestones.

Sticking his head into the cool moist night air, he breathed in deeply to clear his mind.  Never before in his life had he ever thrown away a perfectly good bottle of liquor.  The thought had flitted through his brain a few times to do so, but he had never actually done it.  Johnson wished his wife were there so he could hug her.  How he had made her suffer silently through the years because of his drunken bouts.  He went to the nightstand where he poured water into a basin and splashed it on his face, hoping to awaken and refocus his mind.

Mentally, he prepared a list of things to do the next morning.  Go to the telegraph office and send a message to his wife about what happened to make him finally stop drinking.  That was at the top of the list.  Then go to the White House and apologize again to the President.  No, Johnson decided, that was what a drunk would do, apologize over and over again and not meaning a damn word of it.  He would show Lincoln through his actions that he was not a drunk anymore.  He would go to his office and begin reading all the legislation he had pushed to the side for the last three weeks.  Johnson vowed to himself to become intimately acquainted with each bill so he could properly defend the President’s agenda.  Most vice-presidents had regarded their role as president of the Senate as a thankless, meaningless job.  Johnson resolved he would think and act differently.

Another knock at the door interrupted his thoughts.  Turning, he wondered if “they”—the ones who had told the drunk to shoot him—had come to finish the job.  In his younger years, Johnson would have flung open the door, grabbed the gun from the hand of the assailant, and beaten him with it, but he acknowledged he was an old man now who had a responsibility to stay alive for his family and his country.

“Who is it?” he called out in a strong voice.

“Mr.  Vice-President!” a young voice replied loudly.  “Major Eckert sent me!”

The name was not familiar to Johnson, but he could tell by the young man’s tone he was in earnest.  “What’s this all about?” he asked as he removed the chair from the door.

“The president has been shot!”

“What the hell?”  Johnson opened the door to see a private, still panting and his eyes wide with excitement.  He was drenched by the rain.

“He and his wife were at Ford’s Theater watching this play and while everybody was laughing—I don’t know what the joke was but it must have been awful funny because everybody was laughing and this guy shot the President in the back of the head, and everybody stopped laughing because the President’s wife Mrs. Lincoln started screaming and this man jumped to the stage and…”

“Please, private,” Johnson interrupted in a mellow voice, “please take a moment to compose your thoughts.  I know this must be very frightening for you.  I’m kind of scared myself.”

“But—“

“Sshh.”  Johnson gently put his hand on the private’s shoulder.  “You and I ain’t going to catch the attacker any time soon by ourselves.  Take a deep breath.”  He smiled.  “You remind me of my son back in Tennessee.  Mighty fine young man he is.”

The young man smiled timorously and looked into Johnson’s eyes.  “Thank you, sir.  Mighty kind of you, sir.”

After a moment, Johnson asked softly, “How badly hurt was the President?”

“I don’t know for sure.  The doctors are tending to him now.  Across the street from the theater.  A boardinghouse.  Peterson’s, I think.  The way the folks were acting in the hallway there, it don’t look good.”

“Did they capture the man?”

“No, he jumped from the president’s box to the stage and ran out the back.  I don’t think anyone knew what was going on until he was gone and Mrs. Lincoln started screaming.  I don’t know for sure, sir.  I wasn’t there.  Major Eckert ordered me to the boardinghouse only about an hour ago.  I work for him at the Military Telegraph Bureau.”

“Do they know who it was?”

“I heard on the street that it was the actor, John Wilkes Booth,” the private replied.  “But I don’t take much stock in what—“

“Did you say John Wilkes Booth?” Johnson said, remembering the note.  He pulled it from his pants pocket to read it again.

Sorry I missed you.  J.W. Booth.

“You ever see him on stage?” the soldier asked.  “I don’t go to the theater myself but I understand all the young ladies have a soft spot for him.”

“Yes, I’ve heard,” Johnson mumbled.  Was Booth the same man who had knocked on his door, he wondered.  Johnson dismissed the thought.  The man he saw was not an actor.

“I also heard Secretary of State Seward has been stabbed,” the private added.

“What?  Seward too?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Is he dead?”

“No, sir,” the private replied.  “But he’s hurt real bad.”

“A man just knocked at my door within the last hour,” Johnson said, almost to himself.  “He had a pistol.  I think he intended to kill me.”

“They’re out to bring down the whole government,” the soldier said, shaking his head.

“They?”  Johnson thought about what the drunk had said at the door.

They told me….

“Does anyone have any idea who they are?”

“No, sir.”  The private hung his head.

“Well,” Johnson said patting him on the shoulder, “we won’t let anybody bring the government down, will we, boy?”

He smiled.  “No, sir.  We won’t.”

“I suppose you just ran over from the boardinghouse?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Well, I’m too old to do any running tonight.  Will you please flag down a carriage for us while I get my coat?”

“Yes sir.”

After he put on his coat and tie, Johnson considered asking the hotel for coffee.  No, he did not have time for that.  He had to force his mind to focus on the task in front of him.  Knowing Stanton as well as he did, Johnson expected to see him at the boarding house set up as commander-in-chief.  He had to brace himself for a confrontation with the secretary of war.

Downstairs he dashed from the hotel to the open carriage door.  He waved to the private to join him.

“No, no, sir.  I’ll walk back.”

“Nonsense.  Get in.  It’s pouring!”

As they rode to the Peterson House, Johnson amiably asked the soldier questions.  Where was he from?  Did he see much action during the war?  When was the last time he saw his family?  The private answered every one of them with a smile, though Johnson did not hear any of it.  He just nodded and smiled, his mind trying to figure out why John Wilkes Booth would have called on him at his hotel just hours before shooting the president.

Johnson’s head was swirling with questions.  Who were the mysterious “they” mentioned by his own would-be assassin?  If the president, secretary of state and vice-president had been marked for murder, Johnson thought, why had no one tried to kill Stanton?

The carriage stopped at the boardinghouse, and the private pushed through the crowd, making way for the vice-president.  Dozens of hands reached out to touch him.  Johnson tried to make contact with as many of them as possible.  These were the common people.  His people and they needed to know their government was going to be all right.  Inside, Johnson stopped for a brief moment as he surveyed the crowded halls and staircase.

“This way, Mr. Vice-President,” the soldier said, leading him down the hall.

Johnson saw other Cabinet members milling about.  Military officers shouted orders to privates who scurried from place to place.  He paused by the back room where the President lay at an angle on a bed.  Lincoln’s face was ashen.  Doctors conferred over him and shook their heads.

“Mr. Stanton is across the hall,” the private whispered.

Johnson stepped into the parlor where, as he suspected, Stanton was in his natural environment, writing telegrams and giving orders.  Officers brushed past the Vice-President, barely acknowledging he was there.  When Stanton failed to look up, Johnson cleared his throat.

“Mr. Stanton,” he said in a firm loud voice, “what are the President’s chances of survival?”

Stanton stopped making notes long enough to glance up.  When his eyes focused through his small glasses, he dropped his pencil and his mouth fell open.  Johnson always prided himself on his ability to read the expressions on men’s faces, and what he saw on Stanton’s face was shock and fear.

“My God,” Stanton finally said.  “What are you doing here?”

“I’m the vice-president.  I’m supposed to be here.”

“I mean,” Stanton fumbled with his words.  “Thank God they didn’t shoot you too.”

Once again, Johnson observed, the mysterious “they”.

 

 

 

Bessie’s Boys Chapter Seventeen

The first morning rays peeked over the tiles of the Alhambra to find Clarence and Alice slumbering, cuddled in each other’s arms among the flowering bushes of the central courtyard. They had no other place to sleep. Clarence lost his cover under Maria’s voluminous skirts, and Alice had been separated from the other gypsy performers.

(Author’s Note: One can only assume Rodney, in his guise as a Gypsy musician, found shelter in Maria’s bedroom. Trying one’s best to present a fairly family friendly folktale, the author will refrain from suppositions about what happened in her bedroom that night. Oh hell, they did it. I know they did it. You know they did it. Children shouldn’t be reading this in the first place. Let’s keep it real.)

Servants began bustling about the palace in preparation of another day of leisure for the royal residents. Clarence and Alice slowly opened their eyes and exchanged tender sleepy-head kisses. Eventually Clarence pulled away and sat up.

“This is wonderful, but I must get back undercover. Remember? For England,” he murmured as he stood.

“By the way,” she asked with a crinkled nose as she also got to her feet, “what were you doing under—“

Clarence looked over Alice’s shoulder to see King Phillip shuffling his way through the maze-like gardens. “Oh no!”

Quickly he feel to his knees and tried, somewhat unsuccessfully, to hide under Alice’s dress.

“Clarence! What are you doing?”

He stuck his head out for an instant. “Shh. Trust me, my darling. I know what I’m doing.”

“I certainly hope so.” She hobbled about as Clarence positioned his head between her legs.

“What a pleasant surprise!” Phillip exclaimed as he approached her. “A Gypsy maiden is waiting for me among my roses.”

“What?” Very understandably, Alice found herself befuddled by her current situation. “Oh. Yes.” She smiled nervously while deciding what to do next. She decided to respond with a Slavic accent, which she did without linguistic flair. “Would you like to have your fortune told, your Majesty?”

“No need, my dear.” Lechery crawled across his wrinkled face. “I already know my fortune, and yours.”

He stepped so close, Alice could smell his breakfast on his breath, which was unappetizing in the extreme.

“Your Majesty! What are you going to do?”

“You’re the fortune teller.” Phillip licked his thin lips. “You tell me.”

This latest development was too much for Alice’s sensitivities to bear. She fainted, falling backwards, conveniently landing on Clarence’s backside.

“No, that wasn’t what I had in mind.” The King frowned; twice, once because she swooned and twice when she did not land on the ground but rather stopped mid-air. He walked around her to examine the phenomena more closely. “Is she levitating? I’ve never seen anything like this before.”

Under Alice’s skirt, Clarence was in a dither. He was not sure what was going on but he had to make some executive decisions post haste.

“I’ve got to get out of here.” He carefully began to crawl away, careful not to lose balance and cause Alice to fall and break the magical illusion of defying gravity.

“She’s floating away!” Phillip gasped incredulously. Divine joy exploded throughout his being. “Quick!” he shouted. “Everyone! A levitating maiden!”

Courtiers appeared from every corner of the palace to gather in the courtyard. They stopped abruptly as they saw the miracle, and their mouths went agape.

“A miracle!” Phillip had not been this happy in years. “It’s a miracle!”

Clarence carefully maneuvered through the apprehensive crowd. “It’ll be a miracle if I get out of this alive!”

The crowd parted for Clarence and Alice as the Red Sea parted for Moses. Phillip went to his knees, clasping his hands in prayer.

“It’s a sign! It’s a sign of victory over the English!”

“Call a priest!” one of the courtiers called out.

“A priest? Hell!” the King retorted. “Call the Pope!”

As delicate as Alice was, her weight was beginning to crack Clarence’s spine.

“Give me a ship,” he muttered, “rolling seas, a sword in my hand, but this—“

Soon Clarence sensed he had made his way through the courtyard crowd and into one of the Alhambra’s many hallways. Increasing his pace, he looked for the next right turn down another hall, or the first left turn for that matter. All he wanted was to get the hell out of there. The crowd stood reverentially watching the maiden float away from them.

“No! No!” Phillip slowly creaked back to his feet. “Don’t let that levitating maiden disappear!” He waived his spindly arms. “Guards! Guards!”

Four husky young men in armor and flashing steel swords elbowed their way through the courtiers to follow Phillip as he doddered through the crowd in the direction of the Clarence and Alice. When they arrived on the other side of the mass of humanity, they found only an empty hallway.

“She gone!” the King cried out.

“Who’s gone, Sire?” one of the guards asked.

“The levitating maiden,” Phillip replied.

“A levitating what?”

“Maiden. She was floating around here someplace, until all these people crowded in.”

Skepticism entered the guard’s voice. “A levitating maiden?”

Phillip turned to look at the guard. “You don’t believe me?”

“Of course, Sire!” Sweat popped out on his brow.

The King hit the guard; not very hard, of course, because his hand was pounding against the armour. “You idiot! There was a levitating maiden. There was!”

Meanwhile, down a distant hall away from the courtyard crowd, Clarence carefully slid from under Alice’s limp body, picked her up and looked for a safe cranny into which to deposit her.

“I never imagined being a spy would be like this!”

Finally he discovered a secluded corner and laid her gently down and kissed her forehead.

“Until later, my love.”

When he left the alcove he spotted Maria coming down the hall. He ran to her and slid under her dress. Maria was left speechless and confused.

One must remember that the Alhambra was considered a remarkable structure for its time and had more stairs, hallways, alcoves and courtyards than it truly needed. Along another one of its superfluous halls Rodney encountered Lord Boniface.

“Your Lordship! What are you doing here?”

“Ssh! I’m on a secret mission for Queen Elizabeth!”

(Author’s note: Boniface produced this lie with such spontaneous sincerity to lead the reader to believe that he must have had years of experience in theatre but this was not true. Actors really have to work hard to evince a worthy pace of delivery. Boniface was, indeed, an accomplished politician.)

Rodney fell into one of his frequent confusions. “Funny. I didn’t know that.”

“If you did, then it wouldn’t be a secret mission, would it now?” In addition to his alacrity, Boniface was artful in the skills of debate.

“I guess that makes sense.”

Boniface put a finger to his lips and raised an eyebrow. “I presume you’re here on a secret mission also.”

“That’s right,” Rodney replied. “I’m trying to find out who the spy is.”

“Any luck?”

“Not a clue.”

“Good—I mean, perhaps we can work together.”

A shadow of suspicion crossed Rodney’s handsome face. “Sorry, I always work alone.”

“Perhaps it’s just as well.” Boniface smiled brightly. “Good luck.”

Quite by chance, Maria turned a corner onto the self-same hall where Rodney and Boniface confabbed. With careful steps, for she still had Clarence between her legs, Maria approached them. Rodney saw her and smiled.

“Yes, it’s important that—that….” Lust clouded his concentration. “What were we talking about?”

“Finding the spy,” Boniface replied with thinly disguised disgust.

“Oh, that’s right. It’s important that one of us succeed. After all, it’s for England.”

“Yes, for England.” His Lordship hardly contained his urge to roll his eyes.

“This other Eden, demi-paradise, this royal throne of kings, this sculptured isle—“

“Sceptered! Sceptered!” Clarence shrieked from beneath Maria’s skirts.

“Is there an echo in here?” Boniface asked.

“Oh yes,” Maria quickly replied in her most proper Spanish accent. “The Alhambra is known for its echoes.”

Boniface shrugged. “It makes no difference.” He glanced at Rodney. “Perhaps it would be best if you beat a hasty retreat.”

“Beat who?” Poor Rodney was lost again.

“A hasty retreat,” Boniface repeated.

“Oh. You mean I should get out of here?”

“Correct.” Boniface tapped his foot.

“As you say.” Rodney bowed deeply. Despite his lack of cogency, he excelled in courtly behavior. He turned and repeated the bow to Maria. “Miss.” Rodney looked left and right before darted in a hitherto unnoticed direction.

Boniface gently took Maria by the elbow. “Miss de Horenhausen, perhaps we could have a private conversation.”

Before she could reply, he guided her to the first door down the hall, causing her to trip a little over the little man under her dress.

“Not so fast,” Clarence whispered.

“Not so fast,” Maria repeated and then giggled. “There goes that echo again.”

Boniface opened the door, stepped aside so that Maria (and Clarence under her dress) could enter. He followed them into the room and carefully shut the door behind him.

“What lovely furnishings, don’t you think?” he asked as charmingly as he possibly could fabricate. “I just love Spanish décor, don’t you—okay, enough small talk—who’s the spy?”

“What?” Maria fluttered her dark Spanish eyelashes.

“King Phillip asked me to make you tell who the spy is.”

“Traitor!” She quit fluttering and raised her perky English chin.

“That’s right.” He approached her menacingly. “I want the name of the traitor to the Spanish crown.”

“No!” she replied in strident English tones. “You are the traitor to Elizabeth!”

“Well, it depends on your point of view,” he said, exercising his extraordinary debate skills.

“Any way I view it, you’re despicable!”

Boniface moved menacingly close to our multi-national heroine. “Not as despicable as I could be if you don’t tell me the name of the spy in King Phillip’s court.”

Clarence could not contain his outrage any longer. He charged out of the front of Maria’s dress and stood, taking a Marquis de Queensbury stance.

“Leave this child alone, or I’ll box your ears silly!”

“Clarence Flippertigibbit!” his Lordship gasped, “I thought you were dead!”

“Ha ha! Fooled you!” He took two aggressive steps toward Boniface. “Back up or risk the consequences of two black eyes!”

The older man smirked. “You’re too short. You could not reach my head.”

Clarence set his jaw in determination. “Then I shall have to aim lower.”

Boniface backed up and covered his crotch. “Never mind.”

Clarence grabbed Maria’s hand and ran for the door. “Let’s get out of here!”

Cancer Chronicles Thirty-Seven

Watching television isn’t as much fun as it used to be.

Just the other night I watched Finding Your Roots and American Experience on PBS and Booze Traveler on Travel Channel.  Janet and I had unusual tastes in tube entertainment.  Most of the time she sat there with a laptop computer so that if we heard some information we had not heard of or which sparked a question about a related topic she would look it up.

On Finding Your Roots one of the celebrities undergoing the genealogical investigation was Patricia Arquette.  Normally the four acting Arquette siblings would not be of much interest, but then host Louis Gates began talking about their grandfather Cliff Arquette.  He was a regular on talk and game shows in the 50s and 60s in the country persona Charlie Weaver.  I looked over to the sofa where Janet always sat.

“I didn’t know they were related to Cliff Arquette.”

But I stopped before the words came out because she wasn’t there.

The subject of American Experience episode was the trial of Leopold and Loeb, two rich teen-aged boys who killed a boy just for the thrill of it in the 1920s.  Clarence Darrow—better known as the lawyer in the Scopes Monkey Trial—headed their defense.

Once again I looked over to comment that I didn’t know Darrow was connected to Leopold and Loeb but stopped.

She wasn’t there.

The third show Booze Traveler visited several bars operating out of spaces that used to be speakeasies.  One of them had a mahogany slide which was the only entrance.

I was about to ask Janet if she would go down the slide for a good cocktail, but then I remembered.

She wasn’t there.

I know I have to get used to the empty sofa, and it won’t be easy.  I suppose the best way to accept it is to continue watching the shows we enjoyed together.  And go ahead and ask those questions.  I have a pretty good idea what her answer would be, anyway.